Ummm seriously, is Candies Shoes hyped up on some sort of coke laced Willy Wonka gobstopper or something?? Why oh why is Britney Fears the new face of their campaign? The wart toad doesn't even like wearing shoes, so how do they think she's a good spokesperson for hocking them. We guess the similarities are kinda there. Both Fears and Candies are cheap, both cause blisters and they're both loved by southern simpleton sluts, so maybe this marriage does work out after all. That would be a first for Brit Twit.
Past Candies cooters have included Jenny "Jack Me" McCarthy, Foul Face Fergie, Ashy Ass Simpson and Hayden Pantie(Stain)ttiere. We guess Candies has a thing for dumb blonde's like Hangy Balls Hugh Hefner. Anyhaaaay, check out the lame ass pic of Twitney below and you tell us if you think she's trashy or classy.
Shoe Shine Shimmy Mix:
1. Sell Me Candy - Rhianna 2. Watch My Feet - Dude And Them 3.Stilletos - Crime Mob 4. Bad Sneakers - Steely Dan 5. Get On Your Boots - U2 6. Blue Suede Shoes - Elvis Presley 7. Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes - Paul Simon 8. Little Black Sandals - Sia 9. Mary Jane Shoes - Fergie 10. Stripper Heels - Brick N' Lace 11. These Boots Are Made For Walking - Nancy Sinatra 12. Teeth God's Like Shoeshine - Modest Mouse
You just gotta love a celebration that revolves around getting cocked...in the drunk AND horny sense, and all for the glory of cheap plastic anal beads! Fat Ass Drunk Ass Tuesday should be a National holiday ya'll! Except bitches, like the one pictured above, shouldn't be allowed to take their tops off. Either she's an unfortunate tittie fritz with misshaped boobers, or she had a botched up top surgery! Homegirl needs some anal beads to cover those sunny side up eggums. Ew!
Anyhaaaay, you'll never catch our ass up on the street of New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Not cause we can't handle it, its just those crackie ass creepshows who are standing there next to you oogling over your nani's like its feeding time at the nursery. And we aint showin the goodies just for mother humpin anal beads. If they were throwing chocolate covered candy clits, then that would be a different story.
So while all the good Christians are home gearing up for Ash Wednesday, the true sinners are out suckling the creole cockballs in back alleys and funneling jambalaya juice by the cunt load...and THAT is what the spirit of Mardi Gras is all about!
Boobs For Beads Mix:
1. We Like To Party - Vengaboys 2. Dancing In The Street - David Bowie & Mick Jagger 3. Steel Drums - Soca Man 4. Up In Here - DMX 5. Blame It On The Alcohol - Jamie Foxx Ft. T-Pain 6. Iko Iko - The Belle Stars 7. Coco Jumbo - La Bouche 8. Mardi Gras With No Bra On - Travis Matte 9. Party Like A Rock Star - Shop Boyz 10. Tits, Clits, Bong Hits - Kottonmouth Kings 11. Mardi Gras - Second Line 12. Born On Bayou - Creedance Clearwater Revival
Damn, some bitches think they're so f'in smart and sassy, meanwhile they're just lame and trashy! Miss Jessica Slimeson is trying to capitalize on the recent hub bub surrounding the "lard ass" comments. Ok, the tabloids didn't say lard ass, but we did, so just go with it...we're para-puff phrasing. Anyhaaaay, miss Doritos lips is trying to get crafty and has told Elle Magazine:
"I want to create clothes that flatter every figure. I know how a dress can make you feel so frumpy. I promise mine won't. I know what flatters a woman, and trust me, I've been judged a lot in my life. By now I know what works if you're curvy. If my clothing and accessories make you feel great and let you walk proud and tall - in big, big platform shoes - then I'm happy."
What the dick funk is this bitch tokin' on?? We want some of that funny stuff, cause clearly it makes you forget who you are, what you look like, and what other people think of you. If this critch thinks that she knows how to dress then she's as dumb as her face makes her look! Seriously, just from looking at the crap this bitch is squeezing her titty mounds into, we wouldn't let her Oreo crusted fingers touch an article of clothing in our wardrobe! And out of all the designers out there, little miss dip shit thinks she can make cloths to flatter every figure? It's more like "fatter" every figure!!!
Bitch needs to close her eyes, count back from 10 and get a grip on that turkey club, cause ain't no one buying her dreadful duds!
Blonde Ambition Mix: 1. Big Girls Dont Cry - Frankie Vallie 2. Flattery - Aly & Aj 3. Delusional - Saves The Day 4. Runway Music - A&F 5. The Curse Of Curves- Cute Is What We Aim For 6. Stupid Girl - Cold 7. Fashionable - Despised Icon 8. Yeah Right - Dinosaur Jr. 9. Go dummy, Go dummy - Messy Marv 10. Platinum Blonde Life - No Doubt 11. Walk Runway Miss Cunt - Jay Karen Pendavis 12. The Perfect Fit - The Dresden Dolls
This wackalackadingdong is out for blood and doesnt care who she slays. Miss Prim and Proper is taking her love for neatness to the ExTrEmE!! Aside from being a fuckin ex-con thief, she's also a crazy corporate dicktator. As recently gabbed about on Gawker.com and in the next issue of The National Enquirer, it's been said that Martha doesn't allow her little publishing underlings to have any personal pics or "clutter" at their work stations. The only thing they are allowed to have at their desks is the commemorative light up Martha bust to help keep them focused throughout the day. Ha- ok, that's totally the weed talking and we def made that last part up, but we had ya going there for a sec didnt we?
Anyhaaaay, the shiz that we ARE serious about is that Make It Yourself Martha is a power hungry piranha and if you work for her, she basically owns your soul.
You know this world is fucked up when even the brits start penalizing heros. It was reported a few blaze ago that, 72 year old Robert Holding was arrested for selling sweet sweet marijuana to a bunch of elderly peeps while he did is legal job of selling leche. Let us break it on down for for you in stoner time. Homehustler is 72!!!! He delivers mother's milk AND herb to the elderly. He is British, which automatically makes him cooler. We kinda wanna have conjugal visits with the marvelous multitasker.
Holding was quite literally "holding" as he made is rounds as a milkman in Burnely, England. Ok, in a town called Burnely and with the last name Holding, it's like the sun and weed seeds collided to create the perfect senior smoker to help spread the love of mary jane. So can you really blame Holding for trying to his fellow wrinkle bags? Give these elderly addicts a break. They're old, they're going to croak soon, let them enjoy their last few years by chugging vitamin d-elish and smoking on a sweet spliff.
This guy shouldn't be going to jail, he should be honored with a big ass orgy and his face on the British pound!
Senior Discount Mix:
1. Pusherman - Curtis Mayfield
2. (Good Times) I Get High - Styles P.
3. Full Service - New Kids On The Block
4. Burn It Down (Death Magnetic) - Metallica
5. Milk - Garbage
6. I'm A Drug Dealer - Jim Jones
7. Old Man - Neil Young
8. England Swings - Roger Miller
9. Delivery Man - The Cool Kids
10. Milkman - Aphex Twin
11. Just What I Needed - The Cars
12. Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town - Pearl Jam
This velveteen dream is a vision in verde. But really though she should be choked with her over sized scrunchie. The only excuse we'll accept is that she's blind and can't make a sensible fashion decision on her own.
Bitch needs to get her shit together. While Clitty Licky Lohan has been parading around town chomping box and sniffing rocks, she's letting movie rolls slip right through her pussy hole. None other than fellow Mean Girl-er, Amanda Seyfried, (the doodlehead blonde with the nice set of blow jay lips) has swooped in and beat Licky.Lo out for the lead role in the Oscar Wilde adaption of A Woman Of No Importance.
Judging by the movie title alone, you'd think Lame.Lo was made for the part. Cause ever since she got tangled up in the titties balls and started funneling the pussy punch and not booze, she's turned into one big snooze. If you ask us, Lazy.Lo needs a swift jab in her ju-ju hole with a big, hard schlong to help motivate her ass and get back into the swing of things. Where's her hoe mother when she needs her?
Well look no more!! These little nail nuggets are a channel 13 dream. Can you tell us how to get, how to get to this crafty Korean nail joint?Oh my google eyed surprise, these designs are sen-fuckin-sesame-street-sational and we're on the prowl for the goddess nail technician who created these. However, is it this cruel bitch's joke to take a pic and omit the thumb?? The only excuse we'll accept is that it's stuck up the Count's coolie.
Sunglasses. They're the perfect accessory to show your personal style and pizazz across your face. Unfortunately for those peeps that have the taste level of a Kmart Special, they wind up looking like grilled shit-kabobs. For instance, take this vision above, you know she picked out these Hannah Montana knock off craps in an attempt to be "hip" and "unique", but the look is more Blossom, The Senior Years. Spread your wings butterfly, and fly right into our fashion no-no fuck you fist!
Dumb bitches never keep their their pussy traps or mouths shut! Letting nonsense dribble to and fro, wherever they go. And no one is as useless as Pill Poppin Paula. Yes, she was the shit in the 80's and 90's and everyone rocked out to Cold Hearted Sssssnake, but now this bitch is just a dumb muppet puppet and really should become a recluse. Miss Perky Percoset has gone "straight up" stupid and on the record by claiming she is the inspiration to the likes of poppy seed sweeties Rhianna and Beyonce. The doodle brain ding dong says:
"My videos stand the test of time. They are like the almanac for every performer. Even Rhianna has come up to me and said ‘I hope you don’t mind.’ And Beyonce. You can see the influence of what I’ve done. It’s really fun to see that I’ve left a mark".
First off, who the fuck is referring back to P-Funks video's for inspiration? We don't recall any of today's pop farts making vids with a cartoon cat or having crazy ass cameos with Arsenio Hall in them. And we love how she say's "even Rhianna says I hope you don't mind". Ummm squeeze us, but that's not a complete sentence and what Ri Ri probably said was, "I hope you don't mind...holding my coat while I take these pics on the red carpet." Paula needs to stop freebasing those Oxycodone's and pull her fug face out of her fur bush.
Camel Toes. They're bold once they grab hold, and somehow never get old.
We just love looking at them, whether it be online or live and direct. They give you that insta-giggle even if you're feeling down. Our question is, how does one not feel that ish? Maybe some of these camel toe sportin deedle dots like the sensation they give. I guess a little chaff never hurt anybody...if you're into that shit. And we guess this batty bitch above not only likes having one, but like to admire her work as well. Go on girl, work your cammie!
We're tired of plain ol' cotton bras. They're so vanilla like Jonas Brothers or Oprah. So we're skimming the net to bring you the most interesting, yet frightening brassiers we can find. The above bra-tata looks like a cross between Janet Jackson's album cover from Janet and a left over wardrobe piece straight from Grace Jones' closet. Either way these Terminator Titty cups have us nips up with excitement and glee.
He be Barackin this party eight days a week, and lookin good while doing it!
It's inauguration day and FINALLY, brat boy Bush is dunzo and we can begin to get America back on track! Apparently, Bush left a note scribbled in crayon to Obama in the oval office filled with well wishes. But we thinks the note really had the word SUCKER written in a 7 year old handwriting and a smiley face with it's tongue sticking out. Since Bush fucked American in the ass with a wad of oil covered hundred dollar bills and left a shit smear across this country's boarders, he's probably laughing all the way to Texas at leaving Barack to clean up his his messy play pen.
But we have faith in our new leader and are now more determined than ever to bring America back into the rest of the world's good graces...and bring up our currency's exchange rate. Mamma's need to travel and since the American dollar is about as shitty as the Yen, we haven't been able to go anywhere but Jersey.
So the other monumental moment that took place at the inauguration was Miss Arthea Motha Humpin Franklin, singing her heart out and wearing the best fuckin head gear EVER! Tranny's, Diva's in Training and Churchgoer's take note. This is how you make a statement with your wardrobe bitches!
Somewhere over the rainbow, our new prez is getting ready to jazzify the country. So this hat naturally seemed appropriate to post, because it sums up the new day dawning, with infinite possibilities on the horizon. That thought alone makes us smile, just like lollipops, gummy bears and sugar coated rainbows! They should have been handing these magic hats out at the inauguration, so that everyone could unify under one rainbow of love, peace and gayism.
"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."— George Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004
"I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the mother in me." — George Bush, Washington D.C., April 14, 2005
Dumb baby dumb, baby baby, dumb. Wow, it never gets old digging up quotes from our 40-turd prezzy puss. He really has to be the biggest dick nugget to ever have served presidency! Fuck that, to ever have been born, married and reproduced!! It's pretty much inevitable that whenever he opens up his lips, shit crystals spray out a crackie with a lisp.
Artis Leon Ivey, Jr, aka Coolio aka the wanna be Ol' Dirty Bastard of the 90's has gone on and made a Tom "Crazycakes" Cruise comment. He said on his "smash hit" tv show, Celebrity Big Brother:
"All this technology. You think it came from this planet?… Bullshit! I don’t think men are that smart. I think it came from somewhere else. Microbiotics, computer science, jet planes - they came from a different planet”
He's got to be tokin' on a Scientology spliff to spew out a comment like that. Or he's using his Dangerous Mind and picking up extraterrestrial brainwaves from his cornrowed antenna dreadlings and they're controlling is speech. Maybe he should run for cover and hide out in an Amish Paradise...just a thought!
As experts in the art of blazing, being zooted 90% of the time, everytime, leaves us craving snacks like a pregnant polly in her 3rd trimester. And if you're like us, then average snackadoodles, such as Frito Lay and Nestles, just don't cut it, which forces us to comb the world wide web for treats that go against the (whole) grain. For our first installment of Munchie Madness, we bring to you the finest delicacy known to man in a cracker form, Combos. And it's not just your regular run of the mill Combos, but the extra tastealicious flavor of Bacon, Egg and Chee. This little bite sized crackernugget makes our hearts race with desire, lips wet with longing and makes our taste buds quiver like a crackie needing a rock. WE WANTIE....WE WANTIE BAD! We need to taste the "creamy" bacon, egg and cheese filling and let the smoothness enrapture us. If you have any information that can lead to the capturing of these combolinas, please comment now or forever hold your glass piece.
Next up we have our Gabba Gabba Gadget post of the day. It's where we find weirdest of the weird gadgets (usually created by Asians) and post them here for your viewing pleasure.
So with the thang above, we're not really sure what to make of it. Is it a ribbed for her pleasure dillie? A bananarama carrying container? It's weird and freakish, yet somehow makes us want to insert and squirt. Please help guide us, we feel so cold and afraid.
At first we thought the death threats that the Cruise's have recently been getting were awesome!! But then we stopped and though about a Cruise-less world and retracted our excitement for a family assassination. Take a moment to reflect on this yourself. If in fact the death threats actually came to fruition, we wouldn't have the following things to look forward to:
1. Katie's herpie lips 2. Crazycake's specialty platform sneakers 3. Awful Sci-Fi movies to mock 4. Suri's inevitable teenage rebellion
To bring your ding-a-ling up to speed, according to the Daily Mirror, Crazycakes & Co. have been receiving death threats which have gotten so out of hand that the FBI have been alerted. You can only imagine the scene at Chateau Crazycakes. In classic Cruise freak out mode, it's been reported that he's had a $5mill underground bunker built in their Colorado cock cottage and roll deep around town in armored vehicles. It's also been noted that the targeted threesome are even bomb proofing their everyday household items like Katie's commemorative Dawson's Creek Dildo, Tom's Scientology snuggle slippers and Suri's life size L. Ron puppet.
So as much as we enjoy seeing Crazycakes scramble around and live in fear, we definitely want them to stick around for the long haul and continue to be our gossip punching bags.
Bombasticology Mix: 1. Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones 2. Cover Me - Bruce Springsteen 3. Bombtrack - Rage Against The Machine 4. Protect Ya Neck - Wu-Tang Clan 5. Under Control - The Strokes 6. The Safety Dance - Men Without Hats 7. Security - Otis Redding 8. Runaway - Ladytron 9. Sickos - Harlem Shakes 10. Hidden In Plain View - Jacob 11. Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins 12. Don't Be Scared - A.R.E. Weapons
