What do you get when you combine Cesar Milan, David LaChapelle and Micheal Galanes? You get mutha fucking Vitalic Birds! We haven't a crystal ball clue on what exactly a vitalic bird is but if this video is any indication then where can we get such a pet?
Never has glamour, flying dog hair and ambient beats come together so perfectly. We feel like the Westminster Dog Show needs to step up their competition and incorporate the wicked style-e that are Vitalic Birds. It sure as shit will broaden their audience will it not? And please put a pita a PETA'sspokewhore peeper. These animals are not being thrown they are fucking flying on their own!
After yesterday's inspirational video we were ready to hit the streets of the nations capitol and funk some shit up! And yes we did say the nations capitol gabbers. Although NYC is gods greatest creation we all have to get out of at times and buck it down where no one knows your name. We got to shake our Double D's at a faaaagulous dance party where the tequilla flowed like a river Mexicans crossing the border.
The dance party was "off the chain". Wait, what does that even mean anyway??? Well if we had to define that maybe these two above are exactly what we are talking about. Actually it's more like "off the crack" cause only a crackhead pops-n-locks like dat. But what in the shit was homegirl thinking when she rudely interrupted his technique...a slow grind? He stepped that shit into high humping gear. These pervies are perfect for each other and even more perfect to watch after you come home from Sunday's church sermon!
We hope you had a cumtasically filled Valentines day coupled or not and thanks to us we did give you a good pleasure pleaser option so you didn't have to spend it all alone if you were. One of us spent the day making cookies with our lover and the other spent the day looking at pussies. I know it's hard to determine who the dyke is just from that sentence. Stop thinking with your peanuckles people when we say pussies of course we mean kitties!!!!
We can not even begin to explain our obsession with these furry fuckers. Kittie videos are our cocaine!!!!!!! Not only did we spend about 6 hours watching bloopers of this shit yesterday, while not getting bored once, but we also found the future Dakota Fanning and she loves kitties too!! Her performance has got to be scripted but who cares it's fucking hilarious and she is bound to be a drug addled child star! You see gabbers dreams do come true!
We've found a diamond in the rhythm and blues rough right here. It's a Gabba Grammy gem, and we want to share it's magic with you. It doesn't get any grammyer than the goddess Grace Jones and Sticky Ricky James presenting the Best R&B shiz back in 1983!!
Seriously, we'd each give our right teet for Grace In Ya Face to adopt us and take us under her leather spiked wing. We're so devoted that if she wanted us to rock a flat top, and go out dancing wearing only duck tape over our one remaining nip, we'd do and do it in a Warhol minute. Rendezvous Rick and Lace My Drink With Grace are both the essence of seduction and we're RSVPing YES to their fabulous fest!
Cliffs Notes: As much as we love Marvin Gaye, you can skip through his win (2:05-3:05) and get back to the disco darlings. Yes, they're so God damn glamorous they got to present two awards, back to back!
By the time Sunday rolls around we are either rushing to get the zillion things we needed to get done before sundown or we wake up ripping bong hits trying to piece back how we even got home in the first place and who in holy whoring hell is in our bed next to us.
Even though we prefer the latter sometimes you just want to wake up solo and watch hungover television classics a la Blind Date. It may not be as nostalgic as our Solid Gold Dancers from yesterday but if you are in a relationship it may just tele port you back to those awkward ass dates we have all had before settling down.
Take a look at the douche above. First off if your date is starting the goodbye with the Titanic hug( she'll never let go jack ) it's a tell tale sign that there wont be any crazy jungle sex this evening or EVER. If it's early enough we say head back to the bar and find the one drinking the tequila, trust us it's loose liquid. Second if you go in for smoochie licks and get denied more than once your lips deserve to make out with a hot sandwich at this point. You will still be satisfied at the end of the night and it's not going to say no to you. So all you single people please remember just one thing.... "It's your life, take a chance"
When we use the slangalang "Getting Twisted", which action do you think of first? Is it:
A. Getting Krunk Drunk on Mike's Twisted Tea
B. Matching Hands and Feet to Colored Circles... sans clothing
C. Twisting an "L"
D. Listening to the Sister
E. Playing with Latex
F. All of the above
If you answered F, as in Fuck baby, then you are correct and have unlocked the mystery of how our Sabado was spent. In between nude Twister sessions and funneling twisted tea, we found time to expand our minds, and rubbers, while watching a nifty little doc called, Twisted. A Balloonamentary. Yes, you heard us correctly...we were funneling twisted tea.
But for serious, this doc will knock you off your cock block and open your eye balls up to the magical world of ballooning. You haven't lived until you've seen first hand a grown mandingaling filling his rubber lover with holy, hot air and twisting that shiz up into a life size Jesus on the Cross. Or a dykling work her fingers on something other than a pussah to craft a 50 foot blood hungry shark.
The doc is filled with tender latex lullabies and seriously twisted twisters that very well may be the most frightening folks on the planet. Take a latex looksy at the snippet below and feel the balloon in your pants grow with excitement.
Art 1 -noun 13. trickery; cunning: glib and devious art.
Ahhh yes gabbers trickery is indeed happening in the photo above. This poor fucking poodle keeps getting tricked by his owners cunning devious farty art. Uhh glib is in the dictionary? What you talking about Merriam-Webster's Dictionary? We don't have time to look that up anyhaaaay cause we have a date with some Sunday Punch at Brunch. Mmmmm....
Okay let's get to the topic at hand. Our diddle dip brains have managed to never catch one of these crazy EXTREME poodle grooming contest until now. This Lane Bryant lassie is a true Michelangelo although she sculpted Leonardo above. This scissor sister don't groom in vain. Eww we are getting a mental picture. The Peacockblocking poodle in the first picture should be NBC's new mascot. Change We Can Believe In!
We fucking love this crazy bitch above that decided to dress the part to show that extra UMPHH. She better be careful walking that poodle because it is gonna be mistaken for a baby buffalo which will then be speared on the street and ground into addicting buffalo burgers. Well that helped us decide what to order at brunch.
Yup yup yup. It's about that time, to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme. It's Tit For Tat time motherhumpers, and its our third installment of this lovely tat-ttle telling game, that puts the bing back in your bingers!
So without further adieu we have three tasty little tattoo treasures for your viewing pleasure. Let us know which tat tickles your fancy fanny.
Really? The Golden Girls as Mount Rushmore? It doesn't get any more Middle America house wife than this! Bea Arthur looks like Adam Ant (which is actually a compliment to her), Betty White looks like Tipper Gore, Estelle (Rest Her Soul) Getty looks like the Hamburglar and Rue McClanahan looks like an Asian laundrette. Seriously, this person could have just sent a nice fuckin Hallmark card if they really wanted to show they cared!
Joey Knock Knees from Dirty Jersey made the cut with his hot ass bruise, the ever present peaking nip, and of course his lame ass, shitty tat. We're more offended by the terrible representation of the high heels than the wide open snatch!
And our third twinkle tat is etched onto Mr. DVD...aka Dingle Van Dingledoo. You know this flubber brain thought he was soooo original using the DVD logo to represent his initials. Honestly, that's the only reason we can think of why this tard boy got this tat.
Ok Boys and Girls. Hoes and Wholesomes. Lads and Ladettes. It's time to play a little game that we like to call Tat-tle Tales.
We'll select three mind-bottling...you know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped...like in a bottle? (big ups to our hetro hero Will Ferrell for that line!!!) tattoos that are so unfathomable and so inexplicably horrific, that we just HAVE to trash the shit out of them, and then let you pick which tat is the winner.
Just post a comment for the one you think should be burned from their flesh with a hot shank, or that should be immortalized in a Ripley's Belive It Or Not. Soooooo, let the tat-tle tales begin.
First up, we have an elegantly and artistically designed tat, branded across what appears to be a female belly, filled no doubt with Dairy Queen delights and Dunkin Donuts munchkins. Just a quick question for all you folks out there that are fixated on this finery... if that is indeed the front for her stretchy, faux-denim pantaloons, where in all of Kmart brand specials is her fuckin cum container...aka belly button? Discuss amongst yourselves.
Next is a treasure that we unearthed which is far more valuable AND entertaining than watching a dream catcher dance in the wind. It is so mesmerizing you may stare at if for hours, and then question your own self worth because you did not think of this first. It is none other than an Indian gal (with a face that strikingly resembles Gollum from Lord of the Rings) who is straddling a FUCKIN CORN DOG!!!! Don't you just want to just dip whatever body part this is in a vat of corn dog coating and eat up every last morsel? We advise that you print this out and bring it to Christmas dinner as a nice family discussion piece.
And lastly, we bring forth to you a tat that is so disturbing, we're not actually sure if it's the subject matter or the act of someone getting this tattoo that makes us more confused. Mr. Michael Moore has been honored by being permanently etched onto someones fuckin bod. Our guess is that it's Michael Moore himself who got this work done, and if ever there was a chance for him to get the poontang, that ship has sailed and he's surely going to continue to fuck himself.
So tally up folks, and post your comments now. And stay tuned for the next installment of Tat-tle Tales!
We don't give a good goddamn if the seasons are supposed to change but can't they change without it getting buck nutt nipplely cold out?? We certainly don't mind a brisk breeze whipping through the trees but in this cold you can't even light a fucking blunt and if you get to, you don't even wanna smoke it, unless it's the Big Bang. And who is the knitting genius who concocted the smitten? A double handed mitten in case you need to relaunch a Hands Across America, because the economy is so shit, in the middle of winter. Creep show Cruise is a huge smitten fan as he so simply put it "It speaks to Katy and I like saying you complete me... A la fleece."
Even better than the smitten we have here the first pictures from the 2009 cuddle wrap winter collection.This years ode to the Navajo New Mexican was designed by the progressive gayelles Estelle and Grace of Fruitland, NM. They didn't feel stylish enough when they hosted their Cookies N' Flutes nights. What?! You never had a Cookies N' Flutes night? And never heard of cuddle wraps?? Spare us the excuses and get on it cause you don't want to be the last hipster without one.
The Snuggie has to be our favorite choice for stylish warmth. It's like the smartest blanket on earth cause you can shop, drive,paint, bicycle and have Cookies N' Flutes Nights in the Snuggie even if you look like you'll be drinking the deathly laced Kool Aide. With it's unisex sophisticated style you know your grandma already got you one for x-mas so brag all you want cause you'll still be sleeping solo. At least your Snuggie will keep you warm.
(cue the Goodbye Horses track by Q Lazzarus) Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard.
Another day, another absurd celebrity confession. Apparently RDJ had an addiction...no not the very public drug one, but another more intimate problem. He was addicted to whacking his winkle...every chance he got.
Question. Why is this a problem?? Doesn't everyone piddle their own privates? A LOT? Shit we don't even want to get out of bed sometimes cause we just want to cuddle up with ourselves and crank out a few O's.
And how much does one have to self pleasure themselves for it to be considered a "problem"? Is this some Dr. Phil bullshit?? Is that fat bald pinky prick spreading rumors about this being an unhealthy life style?
Listen RJD, the only problem we have with you fucking yourself is that you're not doing it in front of a web cam for all of us to see. So our advice to you is to get back in bed, bust out the Vaseline and Kleenex, pop in Pussy Poppin Pimps 4 and rub until you can't rub no more! We'll still be here for you in the morning!
And while you're at it, throw on your special me time mix to get your jets wet.
"Table for One, Please" Mix 1. Self Love - Jaguar Wright 2. I Touch Myself - Divinyls 3. Dancing With Myself - Billy Idol 4. Detachable Penis - King Missile 5. She Bop - Cyndi Lauper 6. I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany 7. All I Need Is You - U2 8. The Obsessive Devotion - Epica 9. Hands - Jewel 10. Sticky Fingers - Shrimp City Slim 11. Orgasm Addict - The Buzzcocks 12. Rub One Out - H-Town
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum have been touched with the kiss of death and have done the stupidest shiz possible.
Ryan Reynolds Wrap and Scar Tissue Johansson have walk down the isle...er, wood chip lined path and took the plunge this past weekend.
Why can't peeps in Hollywood just be happy with a good dickin and call it a day? Is it truly necessary to go through all the hoopla of having a wedding which you know will be broken up within a year?
Truth be told, Scar Tissue is a hot little piece of doodie wop, but she looks about as fun as an air dried vagina that peed in a port-o-potty.
And sweet baby Ry Ry also happens to be as hot and spicy as apple cider on a cold winter's night, who can also make your g-strings soggy with laughter, but you know he must have a Polly Pockets size peen, cause lets face it, no one's perfect.
So anyscoop, these two dimple dicks got hitched at some private ass wilderness resort in Canada. Say wha? Ummm, did Scar Tissue demand she go out like Snow Fuckin White and have all the little forest creatures scurrying around dressing her before the ceremony? I hope the little squirrels pegged their dumb asses with acorns instead of rice!
During the reception, down by the babbling brook, these two fucklettes danced on logs to this play list on their i-pinecone:
Let's pretend we were playing Password and we said to you: Public terlets. Smokin Doobies. Ass Crack/Cock-Caine. Who would come to mind first? DING DING DING! If you guessed George "Fun Boy" Michael, then you sure know your gay druggie trivia and we salute you!
Last night in foggy London town, Fun Boy was caught yet again in a public bathroom and arrested for carrying that sticky and sweet shit along with some nose candy. We just don't flippin get it. Why oh why do celebs insist on A. hanging out or even entering public restrooms and B. having drugs on them when they do it.
I guess the saying is true, money doesn't buy happiness and it sure as shit doesn't make you any smarter. You can bet your bottom ducket, that if we were international celebrities, we'd have bitches running around on all fours doing our dirty work, like wiping our asses squeaky clean with a q-tip, or dabbing sweat off our brows when we're schfitzing. And for shit sure we'd have a look out squad on hand at all times when we're compelled to do illegal shitzies.
Don't get us wrong, we think its farking awesome that Papa Michael likes to get his rocks off and party like a, well...a gay boy, but Georgie-Cakes, don't be a dick about it. Watch your ass for fuck sake would ya...even if somebody's fucking it! Unless you're promoting an album or world tour, there's just no need to be caught doing stupid shit. Anyblitz, among the drugs, paraphernalia and pocket lint that was confiscated from G-Strings pockets, his i-popper was taken and had this play list a blastin:
"Oi, Give Us A Light" Mix 1. I Want To Get High - Cypress Hill 2. Little Green Bag - George Baker 3. Meet Me In The Bathroom - The Strokes 4. Who's Got The Crack - The Moldy Peaches 5. Cocaine Blues - Johnny Cash 6. Smoke And Wine - Hank Williams III 7. Good Stuff - B-52's 8. You're No Good - Lida Rondstandt 9. I Can't Say No - Joan Osborne 10. Living With Ghosts - Smoke Fairies 11. Last Dance With Mary Jane - Tom Petty 12. Where Is My Mind - The Pixies
When we heard that the menopause network also known as Lifetime would be airing an original biographical movie on Coco Chanel we nearly piddled on the floor like an excited new born pup...and then the excitement level was quadrupled when we heard that it would be none other than the divine Ms. Shirley Mac"Cut You"Clain playing Coco!
We've died and gone to middle America, housewife heaven.
Burn all your Danielle Steel and harlequin novels. Delete all your Martha Stewart and Oprah episodes on Tivo, cause the only thing you'll need to keep you feeling warm and tingly (aside from your Rabbit) is this masterful piece of Saturday night TV.
The 3 hour bio pic was filled with delicious little nibbles, with quotes like "Chanel silence." and "Freedom never goes out of style." The movie makes you live in the past and view the times through the eyes of a feisty and fiery femme fatale!
There were so many beautiful scenes with the amazing Chanel fashions starting from early in her career leading up to the iconic suits...and you cant help but crave her little masterpieces, like you crave Beckhams hot beef injection.
The best is that homehoe had her little bitches sewing each piece by hand and doing away with machines, because she was really a perfectionist or maybe just a masochist.
Now this is just an honest observation, but if Coco wasn't shown with her gentleman callers, one might think, judging by her actions and attitude, that she was a full fledged clit craving dyke!
Anywoop, in honor of Mizz Coco Puffs we salute her with a magical and milky mix:
"Cuckoo For CoCo Chanel " Mix
1. Money, Power, Respect - The Lox ft. DMX & Lil Kim
When it was announced last year that Thor Equities was buying Astroland Park in Coney Island, NY we thought fuck yeah Thor is the gay king. He was gonna strike that hot long Mjoinir, his hammer dummy, and bareback the place up a little. Adorn the boardwalk with tiny shiny silver helmets with wings and making red capes mandatory on the cyclone. But it really was "Whore" Equities who put a condom on that shit.
Whore Equities bought the funnel cake loving wonderland for $30 million gold bricks. You mean to tell us that the memories of people getting pregnant on the boardwalk and smoking doobies on the Wonder Wheel is worth $30 million?!?! We are offended. Couldn't they get like the fucking Jonas Brothers to perform a benefit or something? Those little fags are huge! Actually we would have to get the big guns like Sonic Youth, Talking Heads, Lou Reed, Blondie and a single Ramone to have raised money to buy it back for the people.
And just because we will still be able to get sick on the Cyclone and the Wonder Wheel it's just sucks merman balls to even write this post.It's even harder to listen to our mix but let's all remember just like fuck buddies always come to an end so do our favorite amusement parks. MMM Ciao ohh sweet Astroland.
"Save Ferris You Wench "Mix 1. Amusement Park - 50 Cent 2. Freakshow - Britney Spears 3. Castles Made Of Sand - Jimi Hendrix 4. Under The Boardwalk - The Drifters 5. Rollercoaster - Ohio Players 6. Coney Island - Death Cab For Cutie 7. I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton 8. End Of An Era - Sick Of It All 9. Carnival - Natalie Merchant 10. Closing Time - Semisonic 11. Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) - Green Day 12. Thanks For The Memories - Bob Hope Bonus Track 13. Miss You Like Crazy - Natalie Cole
Poor Jen "The Jinx" Aniston. Little Miss Unlucky in Love can't seem to get her pussyhold tight enough around any of the Hollywood hotties to bag em for longer than a few months. From the looks of her almost 40 year old bod, she's definitely physically fit, but maybe it's her clit that needs the workout!
Girl, grab yourself a Thigh Master and start squeezing away. That shit's bound to get you that good pussy grip in no time.
We've never been friends or fans of the "Friends" crew and could give two shit sticks about any of those losers, and Jinx is no exception. We're tired of seeing her parade around Hollywood with her Fart Water and designer jeans acting like she's on top of the world.
Bitch, we know at any given moment you're ready to run into a gas station bathroom with a Lady Schick in hand to tap open those veins. So stop playing the victim already! Give us the rage and angst that's brewing inside your empty shell of a Greek body. We want to see you attack those nosey photogs, and fuck a n*gga up on the red carpet when they ask you those painful personal questions.
But alas, we'll have to just keep our fingers crossed, that all the sadness will eventually be replaced with the "Rachel" rage.
Unfortunately, we don't think it will be anytime soon, since we just got word Courtney Sux Cox just scraped Jinx off her living room floor with this mix playing on repeat.
"Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride" Mix 1. Why Does my Heart Feel So Bad - Moby 2. Foolish Games - Jewel 3. Without You - Harry Nilsson 4. Sour Times - Portishead 5. One More Try - Timmy T 6. Owner Of A Lonely Heart - Yes 7. I Want Know What Love Is - Foreigner 8. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O' Connor 9. Lost Cause - Beck 10. Secret Song - Alanis Morissette 11. Somewhere Out There - James Ingram & Linda Ronstadt 12. The Scientist - Coldplay
