Who doesn't love Insta-noodles?? They're great for all the welfare waged fuckers out there who can't spend more than 25 cents on a meal. The noods are cranked up with carbs so you stay full for hours and even though your lips pucker and wrinkle with the amount of sodium in those stringy suckers, it's worth it cause it hurts so good. Kinda like anal.
Anyhaaaay, it's always refreshing to see that celebs ARE "Just Like Us" as Us Weekly would say. Kate Beckinsale loves her some Raman or "Pot Noodles" as they are called in the UK. Of course the Brits have to have the better soup slurpin brand name!!! We'll forever be in their shadow. So, Beckinsalisbury Steak was quoted at Elton John's Big Gay Soiree (aka his Oscar after party) saying to the pap's that all she really wanted to do was go home, ride a big black dildo, and eat some Pot Noodles. Ok, the black dillie part isn't true, but you know she likes the dark meat, even if she won't admit it. She played a goth for Satan's sake!
So the noodlers over at Pot Noodle got wind of this celebrity big up's and were so stoked that they named a flava after her..." Steak & Beckinsale". We can only wonder if Beckinsalsbury Steak is gonna eat herself or not. If she does, we hope Madame Gothica has a video tape handy so all the little Underworldlings can get their rocks off!
Ok so in a nutshell the 2009 Grammy's were actually entertaining. So much so that we didn't switch over to watch Rock of Love Bus, and that's saying something. We really love our STD filled Sunday shows. Anyhaaaay, we've wedgie picked our highlights from last nights shiz and to page fromage to the Grammy's of yore, we've complied a playlist of the 12 best and worst songs the Whammys have honored.
Last night's skylights:
K, so the collabo with Common Cold(play) and Jay-Zzzz's made us feel weird and uncomfortable. Kinda like when you stumble into the bathroom when your friends dad is getting out of the shower. You dont want to look, but you kinda have to, and then you totally regret looking.
Carrie Igotwood really has a killer voice, but too bad her stylist dooped her. She sent that bitch out there wearing a negligee straight from Blanche Devereau's closet on the Golden Girls.
Kinda loved Sugarland and Adele's acceptance speeches. It tickles our pickle to see people act goofy and doofy, yet sincere and queer.
Hey Krankye, the black Michael Jackson called and said he wants his 80's look back. Seriously though, Krankye's pic-ed out poof doo, sequins blazer and skinny tie looked like he jumped right out of an 80's prom scene... but Estelle you're fuckin fabu!! We double heart you.
Blink 182- Wow they're reuniting. Can we ask a question...who gives a booger?
Did we hallucinate or did Coldgay really get the Grammy for Best Song & Rock Album?? Yuk, snarf, barf. God they're so vanilla. And not vanilla bean, but organic vanilla frozen yogurt. The kinda that tastes ok at first lick, but then after a few more licks its true flavor comes out and just leaves you with a funky film all over your mouth. Thus vowing you to never try that again.
Rap Pack: No one on the corners got a belly like that, belly like that, belly belly like that. God we love M.I.A. Our homebitch should have faked her water breaking and freak everyone out. And again Krankye looks like something from the 80's only this time it was a cross between MJ circa "Dont Stop Til You Get Enough" and Tubs from Miami Vice. Lil Wayne and Jay-Zzzz's were aiiight, but mmmm T.I. is just F.I.N.E.
Challah! Seriously, who doesnt love the Jewish Elvis? Neil Diamond tickles our temple and when we hear is smooth grooves we cant help but get star of david struck.
Radiohead was like a cosmic caress on the lips of a Kraken, but really we can do without the Clay Aiken hairdo, Thom.
Plant/Krauss totally took over, but fuck it, that song is the shit...what's the title of it again?
"I'm thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America - we can feed ourselves." - George W. Bush in Stockton, California, August 2002
What in holy fast food fuck is this dingle drop talking about? Was he at the Olive Garden, drunk off the never ending bread sticks deal?? This week as one of our ongoing topics we're focusing on the fucked up shit that has flown through the lying lips of Bush's mouth over the past eight years. It's pretty hard to just select five quotes to feature because literally Bush is the dumbest ding dong...EVER. Shit, he probably couldn't even bag groceries in a supermarket without suffocating himself with the plastic or change a tire without trying to hula hoop through it, and America elected his blank brain TWICE to run our country! Yikes!!
For the most part, reality tv is a scrambled shitball salad on a bed of dookie greens, but you can't deny the addiction it causes once you do get roped into one show or another. Yesterday's Sunday night programs were 100% pure reality hoochie heaven!!
It's started with the Rock of Love Charm School Reunion, which was much hyped since we broke wind about Shake Em Down Sharon and Muck Muck Brain Megan getting physical during the taping. So you know our asses were glued to the tube for this momentous occasion. Anyhaaaay, as promised, this hour long journey of recapped raunchiness didn't disappoint. From Rodeo's shameless plug about her "waterproof" jeans, to Dallas' amazing line to Lacey, which is today's post heading, these cheap cheddar-getters brought the trash and flash back into our living rooms. Even the winner, Brandi M was on point by letting the world know that she plans to spend her winnings on tits and trips.
But the most magical moment of the night was when wannabe Anna Nicole Smith, Megan, ran her cock loving lips off to Sharon! The whole encounter with Megan was awesome cause she's such a dumb cum guzzler, but with the clip below you can see that Sharon still has balls of steel and you just don't fuck with this classy broad or you get the Jesus Juice all up in your grill!
After the reality reunion roller coaster, we didn't think that tv could get much better, but alas anything having to do with Brett Michaels' hair extensions or tight crotch jeans always makes for good tv. Premiering last night was Rock of Love Bus which has a new batch of crispy fried freeloaders looking to get a licky of Mr. Poison's dicky.
The premise is pretty much the same as Rock of Love, but now these horny hangnails are on the road with Brett while he's on whore tour. All of dem hoochie coochies are camel toe up, but one in particular, who already got eliminated, was the funkiest of them all. Our pubic region started itching as soon as we saw her. It's the one and only "Miss Scary Spicy" (as the Brazilian ball blower, Marcia, labelled her). Take a gander below, but we warn you, you may toss your cookies or salad.
Once you've recovered from viewing this Hep C honeychild, you can take a look at all the tour bus roadkill herewho are on the show. Sidenote: why is it that strippers, oh excuse us, "dancers" need to wear shoes where their toes hang out the top?? Did we miss the memo on this being sexy?
Now every single tobacco straw needs a little accompaniment. Personally we can't even smoke a fag without sipping on some of the "getting loose juice" also know as alcohol. Everyone has a preference, like the gays who drink the femme Saketini's, the Bridge & Tunnel's go for Cosmos and the dykelings love up on some Colt 45. We don't know if the dykes really love the Colt, but we do know that Mr. Billy Dee "Happy Hour" Williams does!
And who can sell an addiction better than a celebrity? Seeing someone on your fantasy fuck list enjoying a frothy can of carbonated sex, can get a bitch dropping trou faster than your lightning fast fingers can crack open a bottle. Unfortch for us, we were too young to drink Colt 45 when this mesmerizing ad came out, but it just goes to show you how boring beer ads are now nowadays.
Hey there ladies and germs. Welcome to the next installment of our fun little game, "Pick Your Favorite Wack Tat Attack!" Rules are the same as our first tit tingling post, which you can check out here Tat-tle Tales Part I.
Up first is a magic little nugget bead of color and delight. Fo sheezy this is every gay techie's wet dream. A beefy man arm adorn with Microsoft's blazing logo. You really have to stop and admire the craftsmanship and work put into this tat. The window box sure looks like its about to shwoosh off his arm and land right in your lap. This tat right clicks straight into our hearts and the ladies panties!
This ink-lings work is actually commendable because if we were high enough, we'd get motha fuckin Colonel Sanders face and his little string tie permanently etched onto our flesh to show our love of greasy fried processed fake chicken! This jelly belly piece is so seasoned and original, Popeye's should use this fucker in their new commercials and give that tummy tuckin Jared some competition. Quick question for the ladies out there. Would you still let this fast food fucker, put his drumstick in your hotbox after you saw this belly blazer?
And last but certainly not least we have one for you preppy penis pleasers out there. You so know this happened during some fraternity's rush week shit and a douchey freshman pledge got this Lacoste logo etched over his heart. He probably has the Abercrombie crest around his anus hole and the Polo Ralph Lauren pony on his ass cheek! Nothing like expensive cotton merchandise to get preppy boys cocks a pumpin and collars a poppin!
So now that your mind has been infected and injected with these slinky inky pieces, go and comment to cast your vote now...brown cow!
Watching the American Music Awards last night aka AMA's was more like watching a gathering of mutts at a luncheon for American Maltese Association. Actually, seeing the pooches would have been much more enjoyable. We don't know why we get dooped time and time again, but whenever there's an awards show we somehow manage to...dare we say, get excited for it, and then like clockwork we're let down like whiskey dick on prom night.
Is it too much to ask for that these so called musicians should actually sing, dance and entertain us?! We'd rather watch Trump get in and out of a heli all day and see that coif flip up and down, cause that shit's got more body and rhythm than half these musical fucktards!!
So who was the nutburger who thought it would be a good idea to let Aguilera perform a 7 song medley of her chop shop tunes?? Her performance was about as stimulating as watching the Paris Hilton sex tape. Oy, and that do! It looked like she let her baby chop em up with safe for kids crayola scissors. And what the spunk was with her singing? Is it us, or did it sound extra froggy last night? Like a genie's cock was trying to escape her esophagus?
Another ass crumb that made the night's festivities more like a night of feces is Kranky Kanye. This wigger needs to take a step back. We can't believe he actually said that with the current musical talent that's out there today, they have the ability to bring music to the level that Zeppelin and Hendrix did. Ummm homehonky, it ain't happening, when you have bands like Nickleback and Disturbed tearin up the charts! Honestly, we'd love to butt fuck Kanye with a Billboard Magazine and make him scream through the wire! PS- Elvis is the King for a reason, and your hipster ass will never hold a candle or a pork chop sideburn to his legacy.
We can't forget to wish Miley a very happy, very herpies filled Super Sweet Sixteen! Here's to losing your virginity and catching an STD at the AMA's. We know she let a New Kid put it in her honky tonk badonka donk!
Here is quick critique of the last nights live acts: Christina Aguilera = Vomit P!nk = !nd!go NKOTB = To Catch A Predator Coldplay = Talentless Cameltoes in Musical Catsuits Taylor Swift = LOL Jonas Brothers = Virgins Rihanna = The Real Sasha Fierce Annie Lennox = Jesus Mariah Carey = Scary Caterpiller Kanye West = Mosquito Bite Sarah McLachlan = Lilith Fairy Natasha Bedingfield = Yuck Ne-Y0 = Matrix Beyonce = Damita Jo Miley Cyrus = Apple Sauce The Fray = Shred Leona Lewis = Mariah Alicia Keys = Dyke Pussycat Dolls = Bratz Dolls
And we've picked 12 of these fartists songs which we think would have been more entertaining at Cookies N' Flutes night.
Caca Deluxe With Fries Mix: 1. Reflection - Christina Aguilera 2. I Can't Take No More - Beyonce 3. Butterfly - Mariah 4. Swallowed In The Sea - Coldplay 5. Old Blue Jeans - Miley Cyrus 6. Over My Head - The Fray 7. Burning Up - Jonas Bros 8. Single - NKOTB 9. Footprints In The Sand - Leona Lewis 10. When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls 11. Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift 12. The Good Life - Kanye West
Woopsy we did a poopsy! Seems as though we've gotten ourselves in a real pickle. You see, we started off really ambitious and excited to bring forth our little bundle of fribble bibble, Gabba Gabba Haaaay, and promote it to the masses. (Enter the stickiest of the ickiest, stage left). With our premise being to knock the block off celebriwhores and create musical doodley doots out of their daily gossip stories, we got a tad bit wrapped up in the creative writing and play list process. Which means we're stoners and didn't account for the amount of time it would take to locate the tracks, load them into the player, shred them up into delicious little tasty musical morsels and then upload them onto our site for your ears to boogie to.
That would explain why we had a month break in between postings...but hey, we're stoners so you know our delayed reactions move at the speed of turtle shit.
But alas, we've been touched (yes, in our dirty no-no spots) by a tangy, magical, glittery m-angel who sprinkled us with sparkly m-angel juice, which gave us the gift to hurry things along. And we can now present to your our moist and tasty blog, chock full of fabulous funnies, musical honeys and magic bunnies. And to thank you for your patience we'd like to share with you the most rock hard, coo-coo harajuku's on the web.
Money Money - Best God Damn Clip You'll Ever See!!
Oh and PLEASE go back in time and visit our blog from the beginning of it's creation...we promise it's all that and then some, tall dark and handsome...
"Please Excuse Our Stoner-ness" Mix 1. Where Do You Go (My Lovely) - No Mercy 2. Under Construction - No Doubt 3. Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins 4. Missing - Everything But The Girl 5. Patience - Guns N Roses 6.Want You Back - Take That 7. Fix You - Coldplay 8.Perfect Drug - Nine Inch Nails 9. Please Don't Go - KWS 10. Baby, I Cant Wait - Nu Shoes 11. Tweakin' - Walter "Wolfman" Washington 12. Back in the High Life Again- Steve Windwood
Another Hollywood hero has gone three sheets to the wind...we don't even know what that means, but people say it, so we guess its got to make sense to someone.
Anydrunk, Miss Hit Em Up Heather has gone and got herself in a real pickle...another saying that Quaaludes us, but whateves.
Our sweet sweet bad to the bone, rock n roll-model has been arrested for driving, during the day, under the influence. She appeared to be zonked out on prescription pillz and was a swaying all over like she was getting road head.
Don't get us wrong, we're definitely a fan of prescription pills and we're definitely all for getting fucked up, but why, oh why do peeps get wasted and then get behind the wheel? Honestly, it's more fun to stay inside, zoning out, fighting the sleep, eating chocolate and smoking stogies til your fingers are yellow.
If these celebs are looking for a thrill, pop a couple of pills and get a fuckin Wii!! Pretend your driving, or playing golf or whatever the fuck these Japs have made for the game system. Just don't go out thinking your supermang and expect not to look suspicious when you're doing 3 mph on the opposite side of the rode and your eyes are closed. Cops are dookie-brains, but they ain't that Limp Bizkit.
Anysways, Hit Em Up Heather was blasting the shit out of her i-perc with this mix a bumpin:
Hip Hip Whore-Hay! Big fuckin woop! Miss Jenny from the Crock Pot, feels all triumphant cause she completed some rinkie dink Malibu Triathlon. Honestly, you know ho-girl just did it to try and get her saggy ass back into shape, and not so much for the angle she's playing that she did it to raise some bling for a children's hospital.
Ummm Miss Thang, you're like a zillionaire, just donate some money and call it a day! You don't see Brad and Angie parading around like some gym rat wannabe's and saying that they're doing it for charity. Just bust out your Looney Tune themed check and sent that mother out.
Honestly, this is just another publicity stunt to get ol' Fly Trap Girl back in the press. Her Puerto Rican ass hasn't been back in the limelight since she popped out those two vampire younglings, and like her kids feen for the blood she feens for the attention.
So in short, it's gonna take more to impress us J.Ho, so keep on tryin cause we aint buyin!
"Tour De Force Of Course" Mix 1. High Energy - Evelyn Thomas 2. You Can Do It - Ice Cube 3. Flexin' - Heavy D & The Boyz 4. Pump It Up - Elvis Costello 5. Jumping Jack Flash - Rolling Stones 6. Sweating Bullets - Megadeth 7. Physical - Olivia Newton John 8. Triathlon - Vectrolab 9. Into the Ocean - Blue October 10. Bicycle Race - Queen 11. I Ran (So Far Away) - Flock Of Seagulls 12. Finish Line - Lou Reed
Honestly does anyone know who this albino concoction is? She's is making us hungry for some white chocolate buttons, mmmmm. It is none other than Celine "Beat Box" Dion and this melted snowflake seems to fucking think that the "you are not supposed to where white after Labor Day" rule applies to her. Canada doesn't give duex shits about this rule cause they don't celebrate it. Extra hangover day bitches!
But Labor Day should be celebrate our one true hero Beverly Sutphin, the Serial Mom who kept a juror bitch in check by murdering her for those white shoes she wore. The legend is that you aren't supposed to wear white because noveu riche sluts believe your shoes will get cold and soiled.
But almost all celebs wear white after Labor Day. Kate "Frost" Moss loves wearing white all over her nostrils every day. And Frosty certainly wasn't the only one to start the trend and break the color lines. The ever so popular strawberry cocaine is gonna give white a run for it's money this season.
"Baby Powder Power" Mix 1. Breaking The Law - Judas Priest 2. White Riot - The Clash 3. Nothings Gonna Change My Clothes - They Might Be Giants 4. White Boots - Family Style 5. Labor Day (It's A Holiday) - Black Eyed Peas 6. White Tee - Dem Franchize Boyz 7. True Colors - Cyndi Lauper 8. My Prerogative - Bobby Brown 9. White America - Eminem 10. Fashion - David Bowie 11. Rules Were Meant To Be Broken - Lyrics Born 12. Nights In White Satin - Moody Blues
While the 2008 spectacle was mildly entertaining, with all the drama about underage Asians and real life American "Super Heroes" our favorite parts were the fans that showed their OlympDic spirit. Pin Head, shown above, is TCM doctor Wei Shengchu from Nanning, who in honor of the Beijing OlympDics stuck 2,008 needles in his head. Clearly, Barf Noodles Winehouse has some needle work competition.
Speaking of competition, we think that the 2012 OlympDics should incorporate more physically challenging events like Double Dutch, or a Quick Texting Showdown. Shit, even a Hot Dog Eating contest would pump some meaty flava into that shit. If fucking Flipper Boy Phelps claims to eat three fried egg sandwiches, three chocolate-chip pancakes, five-egg omelette's, three sugar-coated slices of French toast and a bowl of grits just for breakfast then I wanna see that cracka ass woof down some tasty pig ass bi product for a shot at sweet gold! Now THAT would be a better representation of an American sport!
AnySwayze, another fav fan of ours is Wack Tat McGinty below. This is either a gang related initiation stunt or his dumb ass tatted himself up and shaved his locks after watching the Angie Jo flick Wanted. Dumbass!
SCHWING! Moving on, we want to thank you Speedo for creating swim materials that highlight what's really important on a swimmer bod! Unfortunately, shlong censorship is ever present in one of the photos below.
Now you see it.
Now you don't.
While we're on the subject of Flipper Boy Phelps, can someone please tell him that those aren't chocolate gold coins. For fuck sake, the boy will try and eat anything that's put in front of him!!!
And we all know that Flipper Boy is now dubbed as a real life super hero, and by "hero" we mean like an Italian Sub, you know three types of meat, provolone cheese, Italian bread. YUMMMM. So for Flipper Boy to get into the mode of competition, he psychs himself up with his appropriately titled play list:
"No Joke Tit Stroke" Mix 1. The Distance - Cake 2. I Go Swimming - Peter Gabriel 3. Gold - The Sugarcubes 4. I Come From the Water - The Toadies 5. Sweet Emotion - Aerosmith 6. Don't Tread On Me - Metallica 7. The Final Countdown - Europe 8. Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk 9. Pump It - Black Eyed Peas 10. Olympic Flame - DJ Tiesto 11. Award Tour - A Tribe Called Quest 12. Shiny Happy People - REM Bonus Track 13. Reach - Gloria Estefan
ek shit and a douchey freshman pledge got this Lacoste logo etched over his heart. He probably has the Abercrombie crest around his anus hole and the Polo Ralph Lauren pony on his ass cheek! Nothing like expensive cotton merchandise to get preppy boys cocks a pumpin and collars a poppin!
