Raise your hands if your clothes don't fit. Holy CaCa that's a lot of hands but with a five day weekend of eating left over medley bowls of mashed, corn and the golden bird we call turkey what do we expect. Yes of course we got our inspiration from KFC's Mashed Potato bowl because we learn from the best god damn it. Anyhaaaay let's just discuss the introduction video for a twinkle... this cop has to be like a weed virgin cause not even the Haze makes you that fucked up. We either need that recipe or need to know the strand. Since you are resigned officer please don't be shy.
But since we're feeling blue today we decided to sit back and honor those bad boys in blue we call La Policia!!!! Not cause they protect us, direct us, and protest us, but for the super fucking awesomeness that is the show COPS. It actually celebrated it's 20yr anniversary back is September so we want to show this delectable homage of crackies, drunkards and weirdo honkies and honor the creator John Langley.
We know, we know. Glorious isn't it? There is just so many great moments in that video so we want to raise a nightstick and a turkey drumstick to the montage editor. We highly recommend you smoke n' search some COPS: Bad Girls or COPS: Mardi Gras. Both have this godlike quality that let's us all give thanks to those highly addicting mind bending drugs that make these kooky genie pant wearing crazies the true stars they are. Shine bright lovelies, the spotlights on you.
"We talkin' bad chips mother fucker and you ain't got it!"
Ni hao bitches! Tis a snail shit slow Saturday around these parts. Not sure how many of your nutsies out there braved the dreaded Break Me Off Some Friday, but we stayed in and bummed around ala squatter style. You know in holey dirty sweats, knotted hair, and giving each other homemade face tattoos.
Anyhaaaay, feeling a tinge of nostalgia with the holidays approaching, we dug into our treasure chest of infomercial treats aka, YouTube, and are resurrecting the precious gem of Pearl Cream.
As you watch, take note on how Miss Szechuan-Stylie Suzie Wong refers to herself and this ancient secret as "Oriental" and how having a face lift was all the rage. Ahh the good ole days!
Ya'll know what today is right? Viernes Negro, suckas! The day where lunatic shoppers get knee deep into the shopping insanity and try to snag the best deals out there, marking the beginning of Christmas Mania.
Bitches get raw on Black Friday. These shoppers gear up like they're getting ready to fight their neighborhood chula. And don't underestimate these hardcore, half price ho's. They're armed and ready with pulled back hair, Vaseline lathered across their face and speciality spring shoes giving them the extra bounce to leap across aisles in their effort to get the last Tickle Me Elmo... or whatever the fuck the new rage is for their little turdlings.
These shoppers are ready to throw elbows and take a motha down if the price is right. Black Friday is a fascinating event, which we choose to stay far, far away from. However, now that we think about it, next year we might just get in on the action and watch Black Friday unfurl. Think about the tales you'll be able to tell your friends and family. It's like free, front row tickets to a UFC fight...between hyped up glue huffing soccer moms and well, other glue huffing soccer moms!
Since typically the costs are dropped down on shit we're not willing to get a black eye for, we haven't been inspired to brave the crowds of rabid sale searchers. But if they were discounting shit like gravity bongs and extra value meals and skittles (yeah, we like to taste the rainbow!) we'd be first sluts on line!!
So to past the time on this perfect little mass hysteria friday, we choose to stay inside sprawled across the couch, wrapped in abuelita's knitted quilt, with a finely rolled spliff and a pu pu platter of t-day left overs. We were lucky enough to snag a copy of Best Buy's Black Friday shopping mix and are bringing the tag sale tunes straight to ya:
A.M. Rooster Booster Mix: 1. I Woke Up Today - Port O'Brien
GOBBLE GOBBLE HAAAAY bitches! It's that time of year, when we strip down to our fetish feathers and roll around in a vat of cranberry sauce! Mmmm our tata's are tingling just thinking those tangy thoughts.
We're pretty much only thankful for our weed dealer for selling the finest of budlings, our local bodega for selling the freshest blunts and those cheap Little Debbie snacks, and for the wackadoodle Real Housewives of Hotlanta for keeping us entertained while we're high and eating the Little Debbie snacks.
So in honor of this fine day, where the wicked white man did the ultimate trickery and dooped those poor unsuspecting Native Americans, we bring to you our thrifty and nifty Ghettotastic Thanksgiving Day Menu. Now throw on your t-day chef's hat and get to cookin.
Appetizer: Gordon's Fisherman Fish Sticks with apple sauce Entree: A bucket of Kennedy Fried Chicken (ya'll know turkey is a dry as your mamma's ass lips!) Sides: Raman Noodles topped with Stovetop Stuffin and Frenchie's Onion Crispies Dessert: Deep fried, Eggnog Dipped, Entenmann's Holiday Cupcakes Now there's a menu to be thankful for! Beverages: Colt 45 Malt Liquor, Spiked Apple Cider, Quater Waters and a mug of the Nog
And for those of you who have the nitch to get down in the kitch, try whipping up some fresh loaves of bread by following this fantasticle recipe
Wow, we've never wanted a yeast infection, er um...injection as much as we do now! (video courtesy of a fine little mama from Georgia!
Now go and blast this special fist pumpin, pumpkin pie mix, and make sure that you stick your dick in the mashed potatoes (cause it IS that type of party!)
Wishbone Bib Mix: 1. Coming To America - Neil Diamond 2. Turkey Song - Adam Sandler 3. Stuff Me Up - Peaches 4. Gimme More - Britney Spears 5. Gravy Train - Ian Brown 6. Yummy, Yummy, Yummy - Ohio Express 7. Everything Counts - Depeche Mode 8. Linger - The Cranberries 9. Thank You - Dido 10. Whatever Gets You Through The Night - John Lennon 11. Wrap It Up - Whitey 12. We Are Family - Sister Sledge
Ever wonder what possesses them to come up with those wacky song titles, absurd album covers, and just plain fucked album names??Well, we don't really have an answer to that, except that they probably thought they were being really crafty and witty, when in fact they just winded up looking like P. Diddy ...lame!
So in honor of these dimpled dookie brains, we've selected some of the finest frankenberry frizzled album covers, highlighted 12 (it's a magic number) frighteningly fucked album titles and created our signature playlist of doperific songs with diarrhea dribble for names.
Let's start shall we?
They should actually start marketing and producing Rod Stewart ice cube molds. They'd be perfect at your "has been" themed birthday parties.
Wow...we honestly have no words for this one.
Suddenly we're in the mood for giant turkey legs and Zena reruns.
Yeah, we're pretty much going to hell for this...but now that we've got your attention, aren't you curious what this shiz sounds like??
Next up is Gabba Gabba's Hit List of off beat album titles. We hope you're left feeling just as confused and uncomfotable as we did.
1. Happy in Galoshes – Scott Weiland 2. The Spaghetti Incident? – GNR 3. Chocolate Starfish & the Hotdog Flavored Water – Limp Bizkit 4. Wowee Zowee – Pavement 5. Pocket Full of Kryptonite – Spin Doctors 6. whitechocolatespaceegg – Liz Phair 7. Rembrant Pussyhorse – Butthole Sufers 8. Electric Aunt Jemima – Frank Zappa 9. Orange Blossom Special - Johnny Cash 10. After Bathing at Baxter's -Jefferson Airplane 11. Kimono My House - Sparks 12. Incense and Peppermints - The Strawberry Alarm Clock
And to cap of this post, we bring to you our homemade knitted quilt of queer musical muck muck.
Waiting Sunlight Loves Spit Journal Mix:
1. The Negotiation Limrick File - The Beastie Boys 2. Justified & Ancient - KLF 3. Myxomatosis - Radiohead 4. Sussudio - Phil Collins
5. Nicotine & Gravy - Beck 6. Neon Bible - Arcade Fire 7. Set Adrift On Memory Bliss - PM Dawn 8. Eyes Without A Face - Billy Idol
9. Monkey Gone To Heaven - The Pixies
10. Champagne Supernova - Oasis 11. Teeth Like God's Shoeshine - Modest Mouse 12.Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
No Doubt to End Their 7 Year Drought!!! (insert Gwen's signature WOOOH OOOOH here)
You know Ms. Hella Good (featured above) is jumping off the walls with joy and is already planning her next NB tat on her jelly belly.
Tis true all you No Doubters! This past weekend the band announced via online chat (yea, they're so 1996) that they will be reuniting and taking their skid filled ska skivvies on tour. And not only will they be touring, but along the way they'll be penning and recording new tunage. How very guerrilla style of them.
(aside from this hand drawn pic being creep show in itself, why does Gwen only have 4 toes and 3 fingers? Is she supposed to be a Muppet?)
Anyhaaaay, we can't front. We're happier than Gavin Rossdale having a solo hit for them to be reconnecting. Solo Gwen was all sugar hiccups and banana splits, but bitch couldn't move in those 12 inch harajuku heels. We want her back in her parachute track pants and rhinestone sports bras, ready to monkey move across the stage and drip sweaty bindis for days!
It's like so f-in SoCal, rock steady rad that Gwen & Co are getting back to their manic panic roots. Hopefully they celebrate by staying out of the spiderwebs and downing some bathwater!
Undoubtedly Yes Mix: 1. One More Time - Daft Punk 2. Good Times - Chic 3. Back On The Chain Gang - The Pretenders 4. Reunited - Peaches & Herb 5. Uncovering The Old - Dr. Dog 6. One Love/Get Ready - Bob Marley 7. Back Again - Dilated Peoples 8. Don't Stop The Music - Rihanna 9. Keep On Rocking In The Free World - Neil Young 10. Never Let Me Down - Depeche Mode 11. 7 Year Itch - Brian Robbins Band 12. Back To The Start - Razorlight
Watching the American Music Awards last night aka AMA's was more like watching a gathering of mutts at a luncheon for American Maltese Association. Actually, seeing the pooches would have been much more enjoyable. We don't know why we get dooped time and time again, but whenever there's an awards show we somehow manage to...dare we say, get excited for it, and then like clockwork we're let down like whiskey dick on prom night.
Is it too much to ask for that these so called musicians should actually sing, dance and entertain us?! We'd rather watch Trump get in and out of a heli all day and see that coif flip up and down, cause that shit's got more body and rhythm than half these musical fucktards!!
So who was the nutburger who thought it would be a good idea to let Aguilera perform a 7 song medley of her chop shop tunes?? Her performance was about as stimulating as watching the Paris Hilton sex tape. Oy, and that do! It looked like she let her baby chop em up with safe for kids crayola scissors. And what the spunk was with her singing? Is it us, or did it sound extra froggy last night? Like a genie's cock was trying to escape her esophagus?
Another ass crumb that made the night's festivities more like a night of feces is Kranky Kanye. This wigger needs to take a step back. We can't believe he actually said that with the current musical talent that's out there today, they have the ability to bring music to the level that Zeppelin and Hendrix did. Ummm homehonky, it ain't happening, when you have bands like Nickleback and Disturbed tearin up the charts! Honestly, we'd love to butt fuck Kanye with a Billboard Magazine and make him scream through the wire! PS- Elvis is the King for a reason, and your hipster ass will never hold a candle or a pork chop sideburn to his legacy.
We can't forget to wish Miley a very happy, very herpies filled Super Sweet Sixteen! Here's to losing your virginity and catching an STD at the AMA's. We know she let a New Kid put it in her honky tonk badonka donk!
Here is quick critique of the last nights live acts: Christina Aguilera = Vomit P!nk = !nd!go NKOTB = To Catch A Predator Coldplay = Talentless Cameltoes in Musical Catsuits Taylor Swift = LOL Jonas Brothers = Virgins Rihanna = The Real Sasha Fierce Annie Lennox = Jesus Mariah Carey = Scary Caterpiller Kanye West = Mosquito Bite Sarah McLachlan = Lilith Fairy Natasha Bedingfield = Yuck Ne-Y0 = Matrix Beyonce = Damita Jo Miley Cyrus = Apple Sauce The Fray = Shred Leona Lewis = Mariah Alicia Keys = Dyke Pussycat Dolls = Bratz Dolls
And we've picked 12 of these fartists songs which we think would have been more entertaining at Cookies N' Flutes night.
Caca Deluxe With Fries Mix: 1. Reflection - Christina Aguilera 2. I Can't Take No More - Beyonce 3. Butterfly - Mariah 4. Swallowed In The Sea - Coldplay 5. Old Blue Jeans - Miley Cyrus 6. Over My Head - The Fray 7. Burning Up - Jonas Bros 8. Single - NKOTB 9. Footprints In The Sand - Leona Lewis 10. When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls 11. Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift 12. The Good Life - Kanye West
We don't give a good goddamn if the seasons are supposed to change but can't they change without it getting buck nutt nipplely cold out?? We certainly don't mind a brisk breeze whipping through the trees but in this cold you can't even light a fucking blunt and if you get to, you don't even wanna smoke it, unless it's the Big Bang. And who is the knitting genius who concocted the smitten? A double handed mitten in case you need to relaunch a Hands Across America, because the economy is so shit, in the middle of winter. Creep show Cruise is a huge smitten fan as he so simply put it "It speaks to Katy and I like saying you complete me... A la fleece."
Even better than the smitten we have here the first pictures from the 2009 cuddle wrap winter collection.This years ode to the Navajo New Mexican was designed by the progressive gayelles Estelle and Grace of Fruitland, NM. They didn't feel stylish enough when they hosted their Cookies N' Flutes nights. What?! You never had a Cookies N' Flutes night? And never heard of cuddle wraps?? Spare us the excuses and get on it cause you don't want to be the last hipster without one.
The Snuggie has to be our favorite choice for stylish warmth. It's like the smartest blanket on earth cause you can shop, drive,paint, bicycle and have Cookies N' Flutes Nights in the Snuggie even if you look like you'll be drinking the deathly laced Kool Aide. With it's unisex sophisticated style you know your grandma already got you one for x-mas so brag all you want cause you'll still be sleeping solo. At least your Snuggie will keep you warm.
At first glance, many of you may think this pic was snapped at a hipster rally at McCarren Pool, but it's original origin is from the family photo album of Britney's Sweet 16 Bash back home in Louisiana. The hotstepper on the left is her first cousin Verne "Matchstick" Wallabee and on the right is her childhood babysitter Mr. Windthorp Bartholomule the III.
Ahhh bandanas. Used world wide in many cultures and by farmers and cowboys, they also have a huge significance in the hip hop community and throughout the entire fashion world. What color you choose and where you place the bandana can also represent what gang you're in or what type of homosexual fetish you have, referring specifically to the the Hanky Codehttp://ilovethisworld.com/?p=854 Looks like Snoop is representing the "Crips" and is a "Fucker" which we translate to simply mean a fashionably crippled mother fucker.
And then we have Popcorn Pussy Price and Bobblehead Trendy. Aren't they just a vision of dribbly designer diarrhea, smeared with a cashmere sash of hobo toe crust? Not only does Phoebe look like a cat vomit mash up of Slash and Linda Perry ala 4 Non Blonde days, but Busted Ass Bobby shames Chanel by wearing a Chinatown Special knock off of their duds. And they both look more like they walked out of a 2 for 1 bin than the high end fashion houses of Rainbow and Joyce Leslie.
Dont front, you know nothing looks more higher end then the shit that Rainbow puts out!
Ok, so unless you've been in a K-hole for the past month then you're well aware of the infectiously, juicy vampire sensation Twilight hitting the big screens today in NYC. Yes, like most of the world we've been bitten, no not the Sarah Jessica Parker coochie clothing line, but by the splenda-ness of Twilight. Maybe it was our inner 16 year old girl screaming to be acknowledged, or maybe it was the crack dust that author Stephanie Meyer sprinkled on each one of her book pages, but whatever it was we were full fledged addicts from the preface!
Each night, we would stay up way past our tuck-in time and read these books religiously. Honestly, we felt like some higher power was controlling us and that if we missed a night of reading, then somehow we would be punished, and may never meet our own "Edward". Gay we know, but tis true!
Actually, let's talk about Edward for sex-ond. Just from the descriptions alone, this vamp put the zing in our thing! And then the perfectly casted actor Robert Pattinson brought the pale faced playa to real life! Honestly if grown women are dropping their Hanes Her Way's at the thought and sight of Edward, then these little twilighters are experiencing some funky ass shit going down in their secret spots! We're fairly certain that if Mom's weren't so smitten with their undead darling, then they would be writing some complaints to Ms. Meyer for having to have the dreaded safe sex chat at an early age.
Anyhaaaay, we're not crazy enough or stoned enough to go see this fang flick on opening night, cause we don't want to have to deal with grabbing lil ho's by their training bra straps or poppin them in the braces, so we'll just have to wait til next week to get our Twilight thrills.
Until then, we'll be watching another classic vamp flick...Blackula (vid below for your view pleasure) and shakin our shit to these tunes in the twilight of the night.
Fangdango Mix: 1. I Wear My Sunglasses At Night - Corey Hart 2. Facinated - Company B 3. Let Forever Be - The Chemical Bros. 4. The Hand That Feeds - Nine Inch Nails 5. Black No 1 - Type O Negative 6. Beautiful Girl - INXS 7. Strange Attraction - The Cure 8. They Don't Know - Tracy Ullman 9. Vampire - Antsy Pants 10. Number 1. - Goldfrapp 11. Destroy Everything - Ladytron 12. Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid - Elefant
Muuuahhahahaha. She shant be returning the same Holmes(ome) girl you once knew. We shall ride into the volcano of Scientology and give this town a kick in the arse.
Look in to my eyes and repeat after me. I will obey. I will not stray. I will obey. I will not stray...
Don't even think about fuckin running. I will break your wrist because it doesnt belong to you anymore. It belongs to me and L. Ron!!!
Ahhh...what a nice little trip down memory lane. Can you believe it's been two queers, uh we mean years, that these doodle lips have been married? That's not nearly enough time for Crazycakes Cruise to be finished programing and mind fucking Honky Ass Holmes.
Well, we got word that to celebrate, Crazycakes set the mood by spoon feeding Holmes vegan rice pudding in the nude, read her excerpts from Dianetics and then snuggled up to watch his favorite flicks The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2. That's right, Crazycakes don't skimp...its all about the double feature.
And to cap the night off and jump start a little narsty foreplay, he fought an Olsen Twat for a pair of Raybans and busted out the white dress shirt to reenact the scene from Risky Business. But unfortch for Crazycakes, Honky Ass just thought he was imitating ALF and preferred the furry alien from Melmac's version better. He should have just thrown on this playlist and called it a night.
Do you have dancefloor phobia? Are you always left standing in the shadows at cotillions and JDate mixers? Well now is your time to shine. We used to be just like you, but every Friday night we've been loosening our limbs with this homeopathic ho-ho. We've found our inner chi and now YOU can groove like a star too. We guarantee you'll walk away from this experience with moves only this goddess can teach.
Sheeeeet, all that dancing has made us work up an appetite...I bet you need some noshie too. But lately, have your meals been on the fritz?? Well you can change that by getting Baby Bitz! High in protein and low in carbs, Baby Bitz will help shed those unwanted pounds and keep you feeling youthful from the inside out.
Piddlewatts. With all this dancing and eating, we've neglected to take care of the moneymaker. Preserving your facial features and skins elasticity is the key to collecting at least $50 bucks a BJ. Don't judge, we know you've had to turn tricks every now and again when you're short on rent or when you just had to have that ounce of the Big Bang buds.
Anyhaaaay, if you want to keep looking tight, then do this shit, (yes in a leotard), and watch the magic happen.
Yessssss...We've struck Guido Gold! Come with us as we travel back to the 1990's where the gel was flowing like fine wine and teased bangs doubled as weapons of mass destruction. Where we're going you'll need only a pair of Z Cavaricci's, a Figaro gold chain and spritz of either Drakkar Noir or Tribe.
So slide into our I-Roc and come away with us to the land of 90's Freestyle where you can let your inner Guido run free.
Sayerville, NJ Mix: 1. Can You Feel The Beat - Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam 2. I Wanna Be The One - Stevie B. 3. Together Forever - Lisette Melendez 4. Diamond Girl - Nice & Wild 5. Take Me In Your Arms - Lil Suzy 6. Temptation - Corina 7. Point Of No Return - Expose 8. Silent Morning - Noel 9. Maria - TKA 10. Dream Boy, Dream Girl - Cynthia & Johnny O 11. Two Of Hearts - Stacey Q 12. When I Hear Music - Debbie Deb Bonus Track 13. Yo No Se - Pajama Party
And no freestyle post would be complete without the inclusion of a real life Guido captured on film in their natural habitat. They really are fascinating creatures, these I-talians. Just take a gander...they are so far developed, that the rest of humanity may never catch up to their muscles, tans or fashion sense.
Stupid is as stupid does. Yup...Sally Field had that shizel right when she told her youngling Forrest Gump those very words. But unlike Forrest, Long Islands horniest Ho since Amy Fischer, IS just a plain ol' blister brain.
This past weekend in Paris, the Dykling Ducks aka LezLo and Crotch Rot Ronson were sleazing across the red carpet-munching at the VIP Room Theatre when a protester from PETA pelted LezLo with a flour bomb, for donning a fur stole.
For serious, nothing gets our nerples harder than a mash up of PETA's "balls of steel" protesters and the celebs being harassed. It's honestly gives us the same fuzzy feeling as when we were young tots and there was a snow day to get us out of school...we'd get to stay home and watch the original Price Is Right and re-runs of that British queen Mr. Belvedere. You know he always wanted a piece of Wesley T. Owen's ass chips.
Anywhore, today LezLo's official bento box licker stood up for her main cooch and said that her dog was more civilized than the PETA attacker. And that no one has the right to act like that whether someone is wearing fur or not. Bitch please, the only reason she's so defensive about this shiz is because that stole wasn't made from animal fur, it was a wrap she crafted out of her ass beard and pubie clippings.
We give PETA Two Snaps, a Tittie Twist and a French Kiss for a job well done. Maybe listening to this little mix will help scissor some sense in those beaver bumpers.
Veggie Tales Mix:
1. Baby Powder - Boo ft Young Jeezy 2. Gothcha - Dj Deeon 3. Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benatar 4. Filthy Gorgeous- Scissor Sisters 5. Shame, Shame, Shame – Shirley & Company 6. Paris - Friendly Fires 7. Dumb – Nirvana
8. You Get What You Deserve - Big Star
9. Cruel – Tori Amos
10. Out To Get You- James
11. Flowerbomb - Eddy De Clercq & Friends
12. Rabbit Fur Coat – Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins
The United States of America has been covered in a giant soggy, stinky, turd filled diaper for 8 long years and it's time for it's "changing"....and Barack "Pop N Lock" Obama is just the nanny to do it! You know he'll finesse the shit out of our tushie, and make sure that it's powder fresh! And can we just say that it's about God damn time!!! You know how cranky America gets when it's dragging around shit and piss all day, so imagine 8 Bushy Pussy years of this nonsense.
Watching President Obama's (Oh we love the sound of that!) official speech after his victorious presidential win was definitely inspiring and emotional, but I really wished he would have bucked it on down with Michelle the way he did on the Ellen. That would have been the icing on this black forest cake!! See for yourself how Barack likes to boogie!
Ok. Not to take away for the little biddy history that was made yesterday, but the coverage that CNN had was so unflipfloppin believable!! We feel, now more than ever, that we want to arrange for a hot, jungle nasty, news worthy orgy with Andies Candies Cooper and Long Dong John (King). Maybe they can even project the naughty times on the "Magic Wall". Damn, girls can dream cant they?! So what if Andies Candies likes the testies slapping against his chin?? We'll strap on a 12 incher and make that baby boy squeal like the heavens are opening up. These two newsies can salt and pepper our mango's anytime!
"You Don't Have To Be Rockafella To Help A Fella" Mix 1. Today - Smashing Pumpkins 2. We Are All Made Of Stars - Moby 3. Vote, Baby Vote - Dee Lite 4. Mission Impossible Theme - Blue Man Group 5. I'm Free - The Soup Dragons 6. Victory - P. Diddy 7. Sophisticated Bitch - Public Enemy 8. I Am Superman - R.E.M 9. The Real Thing - Jill Scott 10. Beautiful Day - U2 11. Ebony & Ivory - Stevie Wonder & Paul McCartney 12. Under Pressure - David Bowie & Queen
