Poor Jen "The Jinx" Aniston. Little Miss Unlucky in Love can't seem to get her pussyhold tight enough around any of the Hollywood hotties to bag em for longer than a few months. From the looks of her almost 40 year old bod, she's definitely physically fit, but maybe it's her clit that needs the workout!
Girl, grab yourself a Thigh Master and start squeezing away. That shit's bound to get you that good pussy grip in no time.
We've never been friends or fans of the "Friends" crew and could give two shit sticks about any of those losers, and Jinx is no exception. We're tired of seeing her parade around Hollywood with her Fart Water and designer jeans acting like she's on top of the world.
Bitch, we know at any given moment you're ready to run into a gas station bathroom with a Lady Schick in hand to tap open those veins. So stop playing the victim already! Give us the rage and angst that's brewing inside your empty shell of a Greek body. We want to see you attack those nosey photogs, and fuck a n*gga up on the red carpet when they ask you those painful personal questions.
But alas, we'll have to just keep our fingers crossed, that all the sadness will eventually be replaced with the "Rachel" rage.
Unfortunately, we don't think it will be anytime soon, since we just got word Courtney Sux Cox just scraped Jinx off her living room floor with this mix playing on repeat.
"Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride" Mix 1. Why Does my Heart Feel So Bad - Moby 2. Foolish Games - Jewel 3. Without You - Harry Nilsson 4. Sour Times - Portishead 5. One More Try - Timmy T 6. Owner Of A Lonely Heart - Yes 7. I Want Know What Love Is - Foreigner 8. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O' Connor 9. Lost Cause - Beck 10. Secret Song - Alanis Morissette 11. Somewhere Out There - James Ingram & Linda Ronstadt 12. The Scientist - Coldplay
That's rite "Pop-N-Lock" Barack it's always wise to stretch your knees after a delivering a splendorous acceptance speech. He polished of his Denver nuggets at the Pepsi center last night to a record breaking number of eyewitness's making him the projected winner of Project America. Pop-N-Lock held the crowds attention touching on controversial topics like abortion, tax cuts and 2-Pac... dead or alive? He says alive and that makes us our mutha fucking man!
This past week the ever so fly Pop-N-Lock Barack announced his design partner would be Joe "Ridin" Biden U.S. Senator of magical Delaware . Given their age combination and technical difficulty of couture in the making the McShitStain/Painlin dou are in trouble. Barack/Biden have been planning the country makeover after the 8 years of watching Curious George W. Kush and Prick Cheneys horrid Mens Warehouse Collection. Now that is change we can believe in!
While working on their portfolios they handpicked these inspiring tunes that will be used on the catwalk until then don't forget to vote for your fan favorite. Remember one day your in an the next day your aufd!
Dirty Deeds Duchovny is locked, cocked and ready to shock with his recent self admission into rehab for his unstoppable urge to dip his stick in the love puddin.
Dirty Deeds doesn't strike us as puddin pops type though, he's more of the jello jigglers kind of man whore. But who's jigglers is jigglin? If he's inflicting his addicktion on wife Tea-Bag Leoni, then what's the fuckin problem? Unless that dyke likes jigglers too.
We have to raise a boner and wonder, is this another publicity stunt cunt, cause this isn't the first time Dirty Deeds has had his sex life in question.
One of the notches on his tourniquet is none other than I Wanna Mona Ryder, and that bitch is the black widow of Hollywood Whores.
He's fucked his way to the top in the likes of Triple X-Files, Sex and the City and now his ding-a-ling is fuckin all over Californication. Maybe he really does have a coochie craving.
It's really no surprise because he cruises around pantless for fuck's sake as he's blasting his jizz jam anthems. And Dirty Deeds Dochovny has always had that "uncut" Skinamax sex appeal, so he's probably still tantalizing honeys up in rehab with his latest mixes.
"Push Push In The Bush" Mix 1. Me So Horny - 2 Live Crew 2. Give it to Me - Rick James 3. Closer - NIN 4. I Want Your Sex – George Michael 5. Cream - Prince
6. Love In This Club - Usher
7. Crank That – Soulja Boy 8. Sex (I'm A...) - Berlin
9. Shake Yer Dix - Peaches 10. Rump Shaker - Wreckx-N-Effect 11. California Love - 2 Pac ft. Dr Dre
12. I Wanna Fuck You - Snoop Dogg ft. Akon
"Yo Quiero Taco Smell" Mix
1. Pink - Aerosmith 2. Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer
3. I Want To Sex You Up - Color Me Badd 4. Nookie - Limp Bizkit 5. A.D.I.D.A.S. – Korn 6. Sex Type Thing - Stone Temple Pilots 7. Rape Me - Nirvana 8. Need You Tonight - INXS
9. Do You Think I'm Sexy - Rod Stewart
10. The Bad Touch - Bloodhound Gang 11. Superfly Slick Dick - Vengaboys
12. Boom Boom (Let's Go Back To My Room) - Paul Lekakis
The cuddly koochies have made it official! Owen "E. Diddle" Wilson and Porsche Martini & Rossi scratched their wedding bell crotch itch and got hitched this past weekend in the comforts of their own LA maxi-pad.
These two dyklings are taking advantage of the newly passed law where Cacafornia legally recognizes same sex marriage, but there's something bittersweet about this union. Don't get us wrong, we're huge supporters of gay rights, but we all know that marriage is the french tickler of death and we'd hate it if that poison arrow struck them.
Either way these chitty chitty bang banger's deserve to basket in their gay glory and shout that shit from the roof tops! They're probably looneytooning, I mean honeymooning it up on the gay friendly Olivia Cruise Line, drinking a dirty dildo daiquiri and heading to Jamaica to get stoned and boned.
Anygay, we hear that the most exciting part of the whole wedding deception, er, reception, was that each guest snagged a pink painted i-pussy that contained a specially created play list. Each song was hand picked by the chachi chicks that best expresses there love for each other. And guess what...we've "snatched" a copy of that little slice of poontang pie.
So sit back, get your Rabbit out and play this shiz while you play with yourself.
"Soft and Moist, Vagina is My Choice" Mix 1. Something To Talk About - Bonnie Raitt 2. Ice Cream - Sara Mclachlan 3. Baby Baby - Amy Grant 4. Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins 5. I Swear - All 4 One 6. I'll Make Love To You – Boys II Men 7. A Whole New World - Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle 8. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) – Meatloaf 9. Solid - Ashford & Simpson 10. Forbidden Love - Madonna 11. Free - Ultra Nate 12. All The Things She Said – Tatu
It's just been a few day's since we last heard Crazy Cakes Cruise "Male Menstruation" mix but this alien had some drama go down and needed some new jams to pump .
Last year while Cruise/Wagner production company was filming "Valkilmer" i mean "Valkyrie" an accident happened on set. While the perfectly casted aryan, Frito-Lay Spears, was driving an army truck for a scene a piece of the side panel flew off and caused some injuries to extras or as we like to call them "fillers" on set. The fillers are suing team dynasty for $11 million Sacagaweas.
"Valkilmer" hasn't had the best of luck thus far. It's "no one is going to see it" date has been pushed back numerous times and entire scenes from the movie got destroyed because wrong chemicals were used in development. Frito-Lay Spears was seen in the post production offices scouring the vending machines and trying to locate the chemicals everyone was talking about. She's the one who should be sued but the fillers know where the real money's at.
It's a well known fact L. Ron Blubber and Rudolf Valention Hitler play practical jokes on each other. Hitler's best joke is actually making Crazy Cakes Cruise a Scientologist but his latest fuckery with Cruise is just the beginning. L. Ron Blubber brain waved a mix for Cruise to upload. That lucky bitch has an I-Pod dock on shoulder and boy is he lucky it's lighter than a boom box. Blast Away.....
"Pardon Me" Mix 1. Apologize - Timbaland feat. One Republic 2. Karma Police - Radiohead 3. Scar Tissue - Red Hot Chili Peppers 4. Bad Luck - Social Distortion 5. Them Bones - Alice In Chains 6. Accidents Will Happen - Elvis Costello 7. Cursed - Robbie Williams 8. What Comes Around Goes Around - Justin Timberlake 9. Sorry - Madonna 10. Crash - The Primitives 11. All Apologies - Nirvana 12. Shit Luck - Modest Mouse
By now you've probably heard the late breaking news about Kim"GlassDashian" and her fucking broken hoof. Cankles Khloe is always warning her to wear her Manolo horseshoes, but GlassDashian was far to busy stuffing her face with man hay aka "dancing" for her upcoming debut on Swaying with the Stars.
Apparently GlassDashian was trotting around her Sheraton Stable and sliced a hunk of that hoof off on her cocaine mirror. She was rushed to the vet and was shot up with a hit of K (lucky bitch) to help ease the pain, and luckily escaped having to be put down. With her good hoof she was seen texting Heather Mills for advice and asked to borrow her powerhouse porcelain prosthetic.
Don't be fooled GlassDashian, that foot's got bad juju. And to nurse her back to health Daddy Decathlon composed a play list aptly titled:
"Breakdance, Black Beauty" 1. Walking On Broken Glass - Annie Lennox 2. Bitches Get Stitches - Blood on the Dancefloor 3. I Dont Feel Like Dancing - Scissor Sisters 4. Footloose - Kenny Loggins 5. Glass Danse - The Faint 6. Let It Bleed - The Rolling Stones 7. Some Cut - Trillville & Cutty 8. Breaking Glass - David Bowie 9. The First Cut Is The Deepest - Sheryl Crow 10. I Cant Dance - Genesis 11. Cut Me Loose - Sam Sparro 12. Casper Cha-Cha Slide - Casper & The Live Platinum Band Bonus Track 13. The Ballroom Blitz - Sweet
While the 2008 spectacle was mildly entertaining, with all the drama about underage Asians and real life American "Super Heroes" our favorite parts were the fans that showed their OlympDic spirit. Pin Head, shown above, is TCM doctor Wei Shengchu from Nanning, who in honor of the Beijing OlympDics stuck 2,008 needles in his head. Clearly, Barf Noodles Winehouse has some needle work competition.
Speaking of competition, we think that the 2012 OlympDics should incorporate more physically challenging events like Double Dutch, or a Quick Texting Showdown. Shit, even a Hot Dog Eating contest would pump some meaty flava into that shit. If fucking Flipper Boy Phelps claims to eat three fried egg sandwiches, three chocolate-chip pancakes, five-egg omelette's, three sugar-coated slices of French toast and a bowl of grits just for breakfast then I wanna see that cracka ass woof down some tasty pig ass bi product for a shot at sweet gold! Now THAT would be a better representation of an American sport!
AnySwayze, another fav fan of ours is Wack Tat McGinty below. This is either a gang related initiation stunt or his dumb ass tatted himself up and shaved his locks after watching the Angie Jo flick Wanted. Dumbass!
SCHWING! Moving on, we want to thank you Speedo for creating swim materials that highlight what's really important on a swimmer bod! Unfortunately, shlong censorship is ever present in one of the photos below.
Now you see it.
Now you don't.
While we're on the subject of Flipper Boy Phelps, can someone please tell him that those aren't chocolate gold coins. For fuck sake, the boy will try and eat anything that's put in front of him!!!
And we all know that Flipper Boy is now dubbed as a real life super hero, and by "hero" we mean like an Italian Sub, you know three types of meat, provolone cheese, Italian bread. YUMMMM. So for Flipper Boy to get into the mode of competition, he psychs himself up with his appropriately titled play list:
"No Joke Tit Stroke" Mix 1. The Distance - Cake 2. I Go Swimming - Peter Gabriel 3. Gold - The Sugarcubes 4. I Come From the Water - The Toadies 5. Sweet Emotion - Aerosmith 6. Don't Tread On Me - Metallica 7. The Final Countdown - Europe 8. Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk 9. Pump It - Black Eyed Peas 10. Olympic Flame - DJ Tiesto 11. Award Tour - A Tribe Called Quest 12. Shiny Happy People - REM Bonus Track 13. Reach - Gloria Estefan
Ever since Paula Wagners departure from United Artists, "Crazy Cakes Cruise" seems to be suffering from a case of Male Menstruation. It pisses us off when women say that men don't have to suffer passing blood clots all day, it's like how dare you not give a fuck about Crazy Cakes Cruise's cycle!
We know when it's Crazy Cakes time of the month because everything around him starts falling apart. Last week Lazy Holmes had to reboot herself in public and just before that Paula Wagner stepped down as Crazy Cakes Cruise's BFF United Artists.
The ever so uninspiring Cruise/Wagner dynasty is over. The uneventful masterminds that brought us all the Mission Impossible, Ask the Dusk or The Last Samurai to name a few. Cruise is fucked now cause only Paula "See Ya" Wagner would have gave the green light for Crazy Cakes to play a Samurai. Does girlfriend think he's Ralph Macchio?
Wait what in the hell is "Ask The Dusk"?
Listen Crazy Cakes Cruise, Charlotte Russe is having a one day fall sale today so get in your pink Cadillac and blast your mix.
"Male Menstruation" Mix 1. Stay - Lisa Loeb 2. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield 3. Hold On - Wilson Phillips 4. I'm Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado 5. Sail Away - Enya 6. Ain't It Heavy - Melissa Ethridge 7. Don't Take It Personal (It's Just One Of Them Days) - Monica 8. This Woman's Work - Kate Bush 9. Man! I Feel Like A Woman! - Shania Twain 10. Linger - The Cranberries 11. Constant Craving - K.D. Lang 12. Who Will Save Your Soul - Jewel Bonus Track 13. All That We Let In - Indigo Girls
It hardly seems fair to post about "Baby Dick Blaine" since he's about as relevant as the fake tits on Tara Reid, but seeing as how he's taking his two bit carny show to another "extreme" we figured we'd do his ass a solid and talk about it.
Baby Dick is slated to perform "The Batman Stunt" officially called David Blaine: Dive of Death in which he'll hang upside down for three days and two nights in NYC's Central Park forgoing any food or water.
We're sure that all the sexual deviants and crack fends are psyched about this ding dong bringing all the cameras and tourists out to their quaint nook of necrophilia, but we can only hope that at the end of the stunt the rope will be cut and the real bloodsuckers will rip his ass from limb to limb and dine on his feeble brown flesh.
To gear up for his next cunt stunt, Baby Dick created a new play list to get is mojo rising:
"The Shocker 2 in the pink, 1 in the Stink" Mix
1. I Believe I Can Fly - R. Kelly 2. Dancing on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie 3. I Go To Extremes - Billy Joel 4. Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf 5. Get Off My Cloud -The Rolling Stones 6. If My Nose Was Running Money (I'd Blow it all on You) - Aaron Wilburn 7. How Bizarre - OMC
8. Things that Make You Go Hmmmm... - C & C Music Factory
Too bad "$pent" McMahon because that check up there could have covered your mortgage. It never surprises us when old geezers piss away their entire fortune on a trophy wife, after all we do make sure to spend almost half our day updating our personals just to hit the rich pepaw jackpot. But something tells me that $pent McMahon didn't spend all his money on his wife.
Shit he did advertise for the "King of Beers", more like the "King of CaCa", Budweiser. And beer is a gateway drug. Beer, then pot, then blow, then tranny sex...trust tranny sex is a drug.
And you know he made bank when he did the tonight show even though Johnny Carson Daily seems like he made $pent McMahon pay for those Sizzler buffets. But the tell tale sign of his brokeness had to of come when he was co-hosting Alf's Hit Talk Show. I shit you not, that's the name of the show. Maybe it was a hit on planet Melmac and if Ed bought his home there he'd still be living the sweet dream.
So while $pent McMahon is working for Diddy running errands, fresh breast milk anyone?, he's been playing his favorite mix on his Walkman.
"Sourdough Clams" Mix 1. For The Love Of Money - The Ojay's 2. No Scrubs - TLC 3. Bills, Bills, Bills - Destiny's Child 4. If I Had A Million Dollars - Bare Naked Ladies 5. Help - The Beatles 6. Money, Money, Money - ABBA 7. I Wanna Be Rich - Callaway 8. Money - Pink Floyd 9. Man With Money - Everly Brothers 10. Gypsy Woman(She's Homeless) - Crystal Waters 11. Pray - MC Hammer 12. I'll Stand By You - The Pretenders Bonus Track 13. Sugar Daddy O - Despina
Today's post is a scrumptious little treat, plucked straight from the 90's and delivered to you all wrapped up in a pair of scrunched socks, sprayed down with Aqua Net and fastened with a banana clip.
We've all been graced with the recent news that Ms. Shannen "Razor Blade" Doherty is all set to make her return to the zip that made her cock eyed ass a house ho-ed name. And there's no denying that this bad ass bitch definitely rocked the big screen with Heathers and Mallrats, but there's actually a much more tasty nugget that she starred in that will forever be burned into our memories.
Honestly, nothing can hold a candle or bong to her made for TV movie role as Heather in, Friends til the End. That shit is tangier that a bucket of hot wings from Popeye's. I mean even one of the London brothers had a role in this clit flick and Shannen actually attempted to sing in this movie. God Bless the Lifetime Network!!!
Anywoot, today we salute Doe Eye Doherty in her quest to remain relevant, by stomping down as many bitches as necessary and for giving Aaron Spelling all those BJ's behind the Peach Pit dumpster to continue getting parts in his productions. Here's to you babe and the play list that's on heavy rotation in your I-gat
"Brass Knuckle Chuckle"Mix 1. Hangin Tough - New Kids on the Block 2. Rebel Rebel - Bowie 3. Mama Said Knock You Out - LL Cool J 4. Army of Me - Bjork 5. Tick - YYY's 6. Poison - Bel Biv Devoe 7. Dont Stop Believin' - Journey 8. Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind 9. Move Bitch - Ludacris 10. Shut Up - Kelly Osbourne 11. Insane In The Brain - Cypress Hill 12. Devils Haircut - Beck
Amy "Barf Noodles" Winehouse can never just show up and play a gig without creating some sort of crackwhore drama. This past weekend the t-wreck rolled into the V Festival in Strattfordshire, with her turdhive and crackled face in tow.
After playing a set that was more like watching a junkie go through withdrawls, Barf Noodles went back to her trailer to jam needles between her toes and threw on her special post show mix:
"Papparazzi Cockblock"Mix 1. Not an Addict - K's Choice 2. Bad Girl - Madonna 3. The Drugs Don't Work - The Verve 4. Dont Come Around Here No More - Tom Petty 5. White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane 6. What I Am - Edie Brickell 7.Because I Got High - Afroman
8. Smoke Two Joints - Sublime
9. Queen of the Night - Whitney Houston 10. Ruff Ryders' Anthem - DMX
11. Beat It - Michael Jackson
12. Mo Money, Mo Problems - The Notorious B.I.G. featuring Mase and Puff Daddy
Live from V Festival...check out the ad-libbed lyrics and crackie cackle approx. 2:30 mins in:
Have you ever wondered what kind of music is pumping out at Crazy Cakes Cruise's chalet?
Whether he's having relaxing night at home, hosting a Scientology Roast or jogging on the tredie? Well we've scaled the walls of his Telluride compound and fought Suri for his I-Piddle to bring you this delightful treat.
Without further delay we bring to you Crazy Cakes' most recently added playlist:
"Stomp The Yard"Mix 1. I Got The Power -Snap 2. Barbie Girl - Aqua 3. Short Dick Man - 20 Fingers feat. Gilette
4. It's A Beutiful Life - Ace Of Base 5. Low - Flo Rida 6. Gettin Jiggy With It - Will Smith 7. I'm Too Sexy (In Espanol) - Right Said Fred 8. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas 9. Holla Back Girl - Gwen Stefani 10. Get Busy - Sean Paul 11. Here Comes The Hotstepper - Ina Kamoze 12. Tootsie Roll - 69 Boyz
