Holy fuck buttons. What day is it? What year is it? What queer is it? Listen all you gorgeous Gabba gabbers, we've just emerged from a 16 day boink and blazing binge and we're not sure what's reality and what's make believe. All we know is that we're fuckin starving and buck ass nude. Somewhere between the hazy bong bubble and vortex of Vicodin we've emerged changed women. We've been to the core and back, to Middle Earth, to the corner bodega, and we've got some new tricks up our silky blouse sleeves.
Truth be told, we've been recruited by Crazy Cake Cruise to work on a top victoria's secret Scientology mish and it's been taking us away from our beloved blog. This isnt the end, merely a quick breather. Kind of like an intermission in a six hour sex romp. We plan to revisit our little baby bloggington, and continue to bless you like it's a holy motha fuckin communion with trashy tid bids of our favorite internet nut burgers. So while we nuzzle with Crazy Cakes and fist fight Suri for the remote just know that we're never that far away and will always have something to say.
The once dapper, don't fuck with me duo, who used to tote guns and major tude are now sportin liver spots and Life Alert. We guess it's true that all good things do fade away, but damn why these two, WHY?!? Apparently I'mma Cut Ya Up Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freak Nasty Freeman have entered into the super senior territory and are now required to have a full time doc on the set of their new movie. What in mother fuckin metamucil madness is going on here? The movie they're making is a bio pic about Nelson Mandela, not a stunt cunt heavy action flicka.
Listen Hollywood, these two 70-somethings make are heart lights shine bright. No one can smolder like Clinty Cakes and no one can voice-over like Captain Morgan, so we need to figure out a way to freeze the dopeness duo in time so they'll forever be at our movie making disposal.
Depend On Depends Mix:
1. Grandpa Tell Me Bout The Good Ole Days - The Judds
Ummm seriously, is Candies Shoes hyped up on some sort of coke laced Willy Wonka gobstopper or something?? Why oh why is Britney Fears the new face of their campaign? The wart toad doesn't even like wearing shoes, so how do they think she's a good spokesperson for hocking them. We guess the similarities are kinda there. Both Fears and Candies are cheap, both cause blisters and they're both loved by southern simpleton sluts, so maybe this marriage does work out after all. That would be a first for Brit Twit.
Past Candies cooters have included Jenny "Jack Me" McCarthy, Foul Face Fergie, Ashy Ass Simpson and Hayden Pantie(Stain)ttiere. We guess Candies has a thing for dumb blonde's like Hangy Balls Hugh Hefner. Anyhaaaay, check out the lame ass pic of Twitney below and you tell us if you think she's trashy or classy.
Shoe Shine Shimmy Mix:
1. Sell Me Candy - Rhianna 2. Watch My Feet - Dude And Them 3.Stilletos - Crime Mob 4. Bad Sneakers - Steely Dan 5. Get On Your Boots - U2 6. Blue Suede Shoes - Elvis Presley 7. Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes - Paul Simon 8. Little Black Sandals - Sia 9. Mary Jane Shoes - Fergie 10. Stripper Heels - Brick N' Lace 11. These Boots Are Made For Walking - Nancy Sinatra 12. Teeth God's Like Shoeshine - Modest Mouse
Who doesn't love Insta-noodles?? They're great for all the welfare waged fuckers out there who can't spend more than 25 cents on a meal. The noods are cranked up with carbs so you stay full for hours and even though your lips pucker and wrinkle with the amount of sodium in those stringy suckers, it's worth it cause it hurts so good. Kinda like anal.
Anyhaaaay, it's always refreshing to see that celebs ARE "Just Like Us" as Us Weekly would say. Kate Beckinsale loves her some Raman or "Pot Noodles" as they are called in the UK. Of course the Brits have to have the better soup slurpin brand name!!! We'll forever be in their shadow. So, Beckinsalisbury Steak was quoted at Elton John's Big Gay Soiree (aka his Oscar after party) saying to the pap's that all she really wanted to do was go home, ride a big black dildo, and eat some Pot Noodles. Ok, the black dillie part isn't true, but you know she likes the dark meat, even if she won't admit it. She played a goth for Satan's sake!
So the noodlers over at Pot Noodle got wind of this celebrity big up's and were so stoked that they named a flava after her..." Steak & Beckinsale". We can only wonder if Beckinsalsbury Steak is gonna eat herself or not. If she does, we hope Madame Gothica has a video tape handy so all the little Underworldlings can get their rocks off!
What do you get when you combine Cesar Milan, David LaChapelle and Micheal Galanes? You get mutha fucking Vitalic Birds! We haven't a crystal ball clue on what exactly a vitalic bird is but if this video is any indication then where can we get such a pet?
Never has glamour, flying dog hair and ambient beats come together so perfectly. We feel like the Westminster Dog Show needs to step up their competition and incorporate the wicked style-e that are Vitalic Birds. It sure as shit will broaden their audience will it not? And please put a pita a PETA'sspokewhore peeper. These animals are not being thrown they are fucking flying on their own!
Listen, everyone wants to be thinner. Wants to be more desirable and comfortable in their own skin, but the cold hard fact is that most of us are fatties sporting thunder thighs or muffin tops. And you know those seemingly friendly co-workers who randomly say you look like you've lost weight, well we're 99% sure they're lying, because they probably like seeing you waddle into work, which in turn makes them feel better about themselves.
Well we have the solution to this Pringle poppin problem. It's the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants! Not only will you be able to shed the those unwanted pounds easily and without actually working out, but you can comfortably wear these hot pants around town, and no one would know the difference. They're so versatile and stylish, you can pair them with your favorite fringe top and heels, or dress em down with a sports bra and sneaks...and you'll still be the belle of the ball.
The best part about this little number is that they do all the work for you. So you can keep sitting there on your dimpled dumper, dine on fine Hostess treats and watch the pounds melt away. Whoever said you had to break a sweat and get your heart rate up to loose weight is clearly a butter brain and doesn't know a thing about weight loss!
Coldgay! They are the fuckin plague and we blame it all on Paltrhoe. That skinny bitch ruined the band as soon as she spread her lanky legs and sprayed her vegan vapors in the face of Chris Fartin. It was all downhill from there and as the old saying goes "Misery Loves Company". Thats exactly what Fart Boy is up to. Since Paltrhoe and Robert Downey Detergent Jr. did that little "under the radar" indie flick Iron Man, they for some funked up reason bonded and she's since introduced him to her hubby. See, this is why sobriety sucks, cause you know that old school fucked up Downey Detergent wouldn't so much as piss on that bitch's upper lip, but now that he's all boring and sober he's falling for her shit spell.
Anyhaaaay, Chris Fartin is apparently a huge fan (aka tool) of Sherlock Holmes and told Downey Detergent that Holmesy was actually a tall, skinny bitch...much like his wife. And he suggested that to stay true to the character, he needs to shed the lbs. And froopy loops Downey is actually listening to shit poop talk!!!! This nana has Paltrhoe written all over it. Since she's as exciting as a floating turd nugget, she's out to ruin everyone's fun. Food equals fun and if you don't like to indulge on maple syrup covered bacon or chocolate covered ANYTHING, you're as bland as that bitch in the sack. Uggggh we shutter to think of her actually have sex.
Put This In Your Pipe Mix
1. I Don't Wanna Eat It - DJ Quick
2. La Dieta - Banda Fresa
3. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
4. Hey Good Looking - Hank Williams Sr.
5. Watching The Detectives - Elvis Costello
6. You Should Be A Model - Mr. Capone E.
7. Losing Weight Part 2 - Cam'Ron
8. Peer Pressure - Pretty Ricky
9. My Favorite Food Is You - ABACABB
10. The Real Slim Shady - Eminem
11. Pump Up Song - Gary Glitter (Friday Night Lights)
